


growth

by aridinosnore



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anxiety, Books, F/M, Fluff, Friendship, Growing Up, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Periods, Time Skips, maybe some smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-22
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-02-18 10:21:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 45,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13098048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aridinosnore/pseuds/aridinosnore
Summary: All she wants is to grow and grow and grow until she's finally like him. She wills herself to grow up for him. He's watched her grow up and he's driven her to the mall, walked with her to the school, talked to her like there was nobody else in the world to talk to.She grew up for him until he left without a trace.She loathed him until he showed up without a warning.





	1. the beginning

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys! im in love with stories like this depicted in the modern era and i love to write moments between the two. i hope you guys enjoy and please leave your feedback! i will gladly listen and incorporate your words into my writing. read on folks :)

He’s only five when she appears in this world.  _ His  _ world. Well, maybe just the world right across the street but suddenly he was dragged along with his mom and dad to Mr. and Mrs. Kenobi’s house across the street to visit the new baby.

 

“A baby?” He had asked and his mother hummed in reply as she prepared her famous casserole and cinnamon buns to take to the Kenobi’s house. Ben’s face scrunched up in distaste as his mother confirmed his question. “I don’t like babies.”

 

A joyful laughter filled the kitchen as his mom turned to him, her brown hair up in a bun so no little hairs could escape as she cooked. “Oh Ben,” her soft hand came up to caress his freckled cheeks as more chortles left her glossy lips. “You were a baby before too.”

 

The little boy crossed his arms and huffed in defeat. “You’re right, momma.” Just for good measure, Leia handed him a cinnamon bun and ruffled his hair as Han bounded down the stairs, announcing he was ready to go.

 

Leia scowled at her husband in annoyance as she looked him up and down.

 

“What is it, sweetheart?” Han asked consciously as his hands patted down every surface. “Is it my hair? My jeans on backwards?” A smirk presented its way onto his lips as Leia shook her head with a soft  _ tsk tsk. _

 

As if he could read his mommy’s mind, Ben scowled just like his mother— oh god, they nearly looked exactly the same as their eyebrows knit together in an expression of clear irritation with their husband and dad. “You still have your dirty shirt on,” Ben stated.

 

Leia nodded in agreement with her little boy and sent Han away with a flick of her hand. “Go change your shirt and we’ll be off.” She seemed so serious and Ben remembers thinking she sounded just like a princess— no, a queen. A smile danced on the tip of her words as she kissed her husband on the cheek before he rushed up the stairs, clearly not wanting to get Leia in another fuss of taking so long to get ready. How ironic. It was usually the other way around but it never was with Han and Leia.

 

“Do you love dad?” Ben asked once his father was upstairs, his loud footsteps echoing downstairs as Han searched for a presentable shirt.

 

Leia looked down at her son with almost a look of surprise and confusion, although her senses came back and she remembered that the boy speaking to her was merely five years of age.

 

“With all my heart, dear.”

 

* * *

 

 

Newborn babies look weird.

 

Those were the first words that seemed to make its way out of that little kid frown of his once he saw the little baby wrapped in a blanket. Not to mention the baby was in his momma’s arms.  _ His  _ momma.

 

“Ben,” Leia said with a gasp and Han couldn’t stop laughing for five minutes along with Mr. Kenobi. Mrs. Kenobi chuckled and ruffled Ben’s hair— why did adults like to do that?— Assuring Leia that it was quite alright. Ben sat next to Leia on the couch and stared down at the little baby girl in his mother’s arms. He forgot what her name was. Oh right, Rey. That was the little baby who was stealing his mother for a good thirty minutes.

 

When they had began to eat his mother’s casserole for dinner, Ben claimed he wasn’t hungry and instead, walked over to the little crib they had set Rey in. The baby had fallen asleep after being rocked by Leia. Ben stood on his tippy toes to look down at Rey, a glare in his eyes but his gaze softened when he did realize that oh, babies are pretty cute. It was at that moment Leia decided to tell Ben they were going to eat some of her cinnamon buns now, a burst of noise left him in excitement and oh great— Rey began to cry.

 

* * *

 

 

Ben watched his dad hold Rey through the corner of his eye as he played with his G.I. Joe action figures. The adults were having their “adult talk” where he assumed they talked about the different types of food they made or whatnot. Oh yeah, probably taxes, whatever those were. Ben stood up and walked over to his dad on the couch, climbing himself up on the piece of furniture calmly like his mom told him, so he wouldn’t wake up the baby.

 

“Can I hold her?” Ben asked quietly and Han glanced at Leia. It was obvious as to who made the decisions in this family.

 

Leia grinned and nodded. “Of course you can, Ben. Just be very careful okay?” Ben nodded and positioned his arms just the way Mrs. Kenobi instructed. Han sucked in a breath as he gently placed Rey into his five year old son’s arms.

 

“Make sure you don’t break it, kid.” Han said as he stretched out his arms, finally free from that uncomfortable position when holding a baby. “If you drop her, you’re gonna have to get Mr. and Mrs. Kenobi a new one.”

 

Ben’s nose scrunched and his eyebrows were drawn together in confusion. “But how do I get a new baby?”

 

Laughter erupted from the adults as Han’s face paled, realizing his mistake was pretty clear. His hand came up to ruffle Ben’s oh-so-curly hair— just like his mother’s— and he sighed, “I’ll tell you another day, son.”

 

* * *

 

 

He remembers that they’d visit nearly everyday to bring Mr and Mrs. Kenobi food since his momma said it was “difficult to go out or cook because they just had a baby”. It confused Ben and made him question whether having a baby was a good thing or not. Although, he never questioned why his mom and the Kenobi’s were so close. His mother would tell him stories about the man who he was named after. It just so happened that the same exact man was supposedly Rey’s grandfather.

 

“Oh, cool.” Ben had replied to the story with that toothy grin of his.

 

It was now coming close to Rey’s first birthday and he couldn’t understand why his mom and Mrs. Kenobi made it seem like such a big deal. It was a baby. Ben thought that a birthday party for when he turns ten would be way more exciting. Being Leia’s son, he got sucked into the baby madness of watching Rey growing up to be  _ only _ one. It wasn’t very exciting to him if he had to be honest— his momma told him it was very important to be honest— but seeing her take her first few steps was fun to watch. Rey had walked towards him.

 

The one thing he hated though was how Rey’s grabby, little, chubby fingers always pulled on his hair. God, one time she pulled so hard, she made his little six year old eyes tear up. Ben wanted to run away once he figured out from Mrs. Kenobi that she could _run_ now. Rey could run and she would run _just_ to tug on Ben’s pretty, grabbable, dark curls.

 

However, the two had their moments where they didn’t hate each other. Sometimes Ben would like to push her in her stroller at light speed when going to the zoo or he’d like to dance and sing along with her when they watched The Wiggles. It was rare but somehow his mother always caught it on camera. They’d watch it in probably a decade or so and laugh at how stupid yet  _ so so cute _ they were. One of those rare moments where they could actually tolerate one another had Ben’s little gears up in his head working when Mrs. Kenobi cooed at the two.

 

“Awh, you’re going to be just like a big brother to her!”

 

For some reason, that rubbed his six year old heart in a strange way.

 

* * *

 

 

It was finally his tenth birthday and she was already five years old, ah that age he remembers being oh-so-stupid. Except Rey isn’t as stupid as he was. She’s actually pretty smart. Ben and his mother were sitting in the kitchen, wondering just what theme could his party be based off of this year. There always had to be a theme with Ben. It wasn’t strange nor was it that common with his friends. Every party he attended just had the “Happy Birthday” sign and a specific number on the cake. Hmph.

 

The young boy was stuck. His mind was always reverting to Disney princesses because that was the only thing going on in his head. It always was whenever Rey showed up at the house because she needed to be babysat. It was common for her to come at least once or twice a week. Ben thought she was still pretty short though. He said that to her once while they were playing soccer in his backyard and he didn’t mean for it to end with her crying because she’ll  _ grow _ . She just will.

 

Now here he was, wanting nothing to do with Rey at the moment because this was  _ his  _ time. He was growing up and it was too fast for Leia that the mother in her cried once she realized that Ben’s birthday was merely two weeks away. She confided in Rey to never grow up and stay so small so she could at least have a little child to dress up and take care of. Little five year old Rey was flattered but she scrunched her nose in that adorable way that made adults coo— she truly had no idea why— and said no thanks. She wanted to grow up. She  _ needed  _ to grow up.

 

Rey had waltzed into the kitchen, asking Leia for a snack because her stomach started to growl uncontrollably even after she had just stuffed her mouth with cheetos while watching some superhero cartoon with Ben earlier. Leia complied and began to rummage in the pantry, wondering if they had some oreos left. Most likely not because everyday at the grocery store Ben would ask for more oreos but didn’t she just buy another pack last week?

 

As Rey waited for her snack, she plopped down next to Ben on one of the wooden stools in front of the kitchen island. “What’cha doing?” She asked innocently as her head nudged it’s way under his arm to peep at the scribbled list of birthday party ideas.

 

“None of your business,” Ben muttered under his breath but clearly loud enough for Leia to shoot him a glare.

 

He sighed in defeat and glanced at Rey, giving her a small smile. “Trying to think of a birthday party theme.”

 

Rey moved back to straighten herself in the stool, knitting her eyebrows together to show she was thinking real hard, her gears winding up in that little head of hers to somehow help. Her eyes shined bright as an idea came to her head, a toothy little grin plastering itself onto her freckled face. “What’s that show that we were just watching again?” Rey asked him, tapping her feet against the little wooden rod on the bottom of the stool because she couldn’t reach the floor yet.  _ Yet. _

 

Ben’s eyes met hers and his mouth formed into a grin when he realized what she was talking about. “Teen Titans!” He yelled out and he scribbled it down on the sheet of paper, his hand writing an absolute mess, oh dear. Leia watched them with content as she chuckled at their childish teamwork, there was no more junk food left in the pantry— she never knew how much those kids could eat— so she decided to make some cookies from the leftover cookie dough she had.

 

Leia knew that the laughter that erupted from the two children across from her was something she’d hear a long while from now.

 

* * *

 

 

He was right about the corner of thirteen years old and she was merely eight. It made Rey’s heart heavy to see that Ben was growing. Growing way too fast for that matter. His voice had gotten so low that one time he scared her while she was reading a book and next thing he knew, the book was smacked into his poor face because Rey assumed he was a robber. Ben had grown a whole lot more the last time she saw him and that was only  _ last week _ . Jesus Christ. Rey had heard Han saying something about how his kid’s going to be a giant once he’s fully grown. She internally agreed with Mr. Solo.

 

Not only did drastic change in physical features arise at this awkward time for Ben, but so did his mental state. Suddenly, he was too old for cartoons and preferred to go outside on his bike with his friends. He preferred going out to the movies— especially horror ones and goodness, those scared Rey to the bone— and preferred to run away from home to meet with his friends at the McDonalds a few blocks from their neighborhood. It occured to Rey that Ben had left her behind. Well, that was how she saw it. But was he ever really hers in the first place? They were close, yes, but did he consider her a friend? God knew Rey considered him as something more than that.

 

As Ben grew up, Rey watched him longingly. She willed herself to  _ grow  _ and willed herself to dress a little like his age or at least get taller. Her mother had raised an eyebrow when she found her little girl throwing all her “childish” clothes out of the dresser.

 

“Sweetie,” her mother had started. “What are you doing?”

 

Rey didn’t look up from the dresser and continued to search through her clothes, deciding whether they seemed fit enough to show herself as somebody older. “Just sorting some clothes I don’t want anymore.”

 

Her mom picked up a shirt that had Rapunzel and that little green chameleon on it. Her forehead creased as she frowned and held up the shirt for Rey to see. “We just got this a couple of days ago.”

 

Rey was too anxious to tell her mother the real reason why she just wanted to grow up.

 

* * *

 

 

She finally turned nine but Ben was still thirteen to her please. At least she was growing. It was the first time that he had managed to climb himself over her backyard fence and scale her house until he managed to stand outside on her room’s balcony. Rey nearly had a heart attack when Ben softly tapped against the glass sliding door, careful not to try and wake up Rey’s parents. She remembered climbing out of bed and rubbing at her eyes, peering through the glass to see who the hell was on her balcony at— oh hell no, it was 3am. 

 

Her tired, so so tired, hazel eyes took in the dark figure on her balcony in fear but her gaze deepened and she realized the lonely figure on the wooden balcony was Ben. Rey was suddenly self conscious about the emoji pajamas she had chosen to wear to bed that night and she couldn’t change right then and there— oh goodness, no.

 

Hesitantly, Rey opened up the sliding door as quietly as she could and watched Ben step into her room. His skin was dotted with goosebumps and she frowned at the cold sight of him. Despite his shivers, Ben looked at Rey with a lopsided grin.

 

“Hey,” he said softly when he noticed her deep frown.

 

“What are you doing here at 3am, Ben?” The young girl asked him with her arms crossed against her chest, hiding the big smiling emoji that grinned at him. Rey then noticed the tense of his shoulders and the glint of distress that she can clearly read after years of reading those dark eyes of his. Rey sat down on her bed next to him, tossing him one of her spare blankets on the edge of his bed.

 

He hadn’t responded to her question and she nudged his arm with her elbow, a teasing smirk with the curve of her lips as she opened her mouth to speak. “You know I hate being up at this hour,” Rey said softly and it was true. Ben had told her about the stories of ghosts and demons and  _ monsters  _ appearing at this hour because he thought she’d be interested since she always has her darn nose in a book. Why not another story to be told?

 

Instead, he just scared the living daylights outta her.

 

“My parents are arguing at this hour apparently.” He replied gruffly and his voice had gotten so deep it didn’t sound like the squeaky boy she had made so much fun of. Rey glanced at him through her lashes and she assumed he wouldn’t be able to see her gaze on him with how the dark her room is. Ben sighed and ran a hand through his hair, turning his head to look at Rey with a strained, half-hearted smile.

 

The younger girl chewed on her bottom lip and squeaked out something in an attempt to get him to laugh. “I guess demons really do come out at this hour then.” Her voice was barely above a whisper, she didn’t want to offend him or his parents, but just in case it did.

 

A guttural chuckle escaped Ben’s throat, she could tell he wanted to laugh loudly by how he threw his head back slightly but he was generous enough to avoid waking up her parents. Rey giggled along with him and sighed as she stopped her chortles to smile up at him. It was one of those rare and sacred moments she got with him. His arm came up to wrap around her tiny shoulders and he rested his head against hers. Rey’s heart pounded in her chest and it was the only thing she could hear. God, she hoped he couldn’t hear the embarrassing pulse of her heart.

 

She took in deep breaths along with Ben and they sat in silence, just the two of them in the dark until she decided to break the peace and quiet. “Why did you leave?”

 

Rey almost regretted the question once his head lifted from her own so he could look at her, an expression of pure confusion on his face. “What do you mean?”

 

“You know,” she inhaled and cleared her throat. “Why’d you start to grow up?” Her voice had raised a note higher and Ben smiled at her, understanding what she had meant. Although, his smile wavered as he began to look for an answer. Rey watched as it turned into a full on frown. His head made its way back onto hers, enjoying the way the loose strands of her ponytail tickled his cheek.

 

“I don’t know.”

 

After that, silence followed again and they sat there together, in the dark and breathing simultaneously— well at least that was what Rey was attempting to do— but suddenly, she wasn’t afraid of The Witches Hour when she was with Ben.

 

Before he left to slip through the sliding door again, Rey chewed on her bottom lip and he asked her what was up. Rey’s cheeks simply flushed and she shook her head, claiming it was nothing.

 

Just about when he was going to close the glass door, Ben heard her soft whisper, it was barely audible but it was there. “Just stop growing up.”

 

He couldn’t.


	2. the realization

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's him who's always by her side until he's dragged along with the people who actually grew up with him; he merely watched her grow up. it's him who she so fiercely feels something for and it's her who's always such a pain but he cares and he cares so much that it's bursting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter woohoo! i'll try to update as much as i can and i hope i can get most chapters in over my school break. enjoy chapter two and please leave your thoughts in the comments!!

It’s sometime around the year where she’s  _ finally _ ten years of age. She winces internally because she knows that doesn’t sound like much. Especially when Ben, across the street, is already fifteen years old and oh God, help her. He’s grown far too tall and she isn’t even up to his chin. That worries her. Her morning thoughts are broken off when there’s a tap on her glass sliding door. Rey’s legs that grew longer over the past year— finally— climbed out from under the blankets that felt oh-so-warm to meet a grinning Ben.

 

They had distanced themselves over the past year much to her dismay. Rey thought that night where he seeked  _ her  _ had willed them to grow closer but Ben was growing up and his friends were pulling him around to God knows where. Soon enough he’d have girlfriends and probably consume an unhealthy amount of drugs or alcohol and that terrified Rey. However, he occasionally knocked on the glass door of her balcony and this time, he uses a ladder to climb up. She told him it eases her mind whenever he shows up so suddenly. They both don’t want to end up in the Emergency Room because of his stupid needs to visit her at strange hours just to talk.

 

Anyway, she slept in gray sweatpants and a black oversized t-shirt, thank God. Rey opened up the sliding door with a yawn and shivered at the unexpected breeze. Ben cocked an eyebrow out of amusement, giving her a closed lip smile when she rubbed her arms.

 

“Really? It’s not even that cold, shorty.” Ben said with a chuckle as he slipped past her, closing the glass door because she was too occupied with her shivers to stop the source of them. Rey’s eyebrows were drawn together at the name that left his lips, a protest beginning to form in her throat before he spoke again.

 

“Happy Birthday,” he said softly and pulled out a small box— a crumpled and poorly wrapped box— from his jacket. Ben shrugged sheepishly and gave her one of those lopsided grins that she wished and hoped were only for her. “I’m sorry it’s in that state. I was in a hurry this morning.”

 

Rey took the small box and returned the warm smile he gave her, her heart fluttering to life in her chest. “Thank you,” she managed to squeak out and her dainty fingers began to tear at the wrapping paper. A small gasp left her lips as her eyes fell upon the pin she had spotted at the comic store he took her to a few weeks ago. It was a small pin of Robin from that company who created those adorable figurines with the large eyes. The two had watched Teen Titans together as small children and it just… stuck. When searching for a gift, all Ben could remember was Rey’s words about how she found Robin attractive.

 

She loved his dark onyx hair, his temper and protectiveness, and his relationship with Starfire.

 

Rey sighed as she watched the cartoon with Ben because that damn 2D character reminded her of him. 

 

“Come on, Rey! I know it’s your birthday but you gotta get to school.” The loud voice of her father boomed up to her room and it was Rey’s turn to smile sheepishly.

 

“I gotta go.” Ben nodded and began to slip out to her balcony until he was stopped by the tight squeeze of her skinny arms around him in a hug. “Thank you for the pin.” Her voice was merely a muffle of words against his dark clothes.

 

The curve of Ben’s lips tugged up in a smile as he ruffled Rey’s hair affectionately. “Don’t sweat it, shorty.”

 

And then he was off.

 

* * *

 

“May I ask if there can be another part of my birthday gift?” Rey asked from the back seat of Han’s car. Ben was at the front, behind the steering wheel because apparently Han deemed it safe enough for Ben to drive Rey around as  _ practice.  _ Ben wouldn’t allow her to sit up in the front though because he said she was too short.

 

Damn him.

 

“Shorty, your birthday was two weeks ago.” He frowned at her through the rear-view mirror but the glint in his eyes told Rey that he probably would do whatever she’d like but only this once.

 

“Can we go to the mall? It’s not that far,” Rey nearly begged and sat up to tug his curls from behind him. Thank God they were at a stoplight or he would’ve swerved.

 

A long sigh left Ben much like his own father as his hand ran through his hair. “Fine,” he replied in defeat to those damn almond eyes of hers that seemed to pour into his soul whenever she asked for something of him. His lips tugged into a smirk as she cheered in success— well, more so victory.

 

Thirty minutes later, they had been inside the mall for fifteen minutes and Ben already hated the place. It was too much of a crowd and the hungry stares from fellow teenage girls irked him. If they were so hungry, why couldn’t they just head to the food court? Rey noticed the looks Ben was receiving and huffed in annoyance, wishing she could grow up and have him return her longing look.

 

One of the reasons she wanted to go to the mall was so that she could gaze in awe at the different stores she wished to buy from. Rey loved checking out the various things they had in the comic book shop but never usually bought from there. She assumed that the same worker who was always there had began to become annoyed with her antics in the store. Adults never quite understood the fact that children liked to  _ look  _ but ultimately couldn’t buy because, well, because money.

 

“Oooh Ben, look at this!” She held up a Wonder Woman comic with a bright grin and he blinked, looking at the cover of the comic and wondering if the amount of skin shown was even allowed for Rey’s child eyes. He gave her a closed lip smiled and watched her as she looked around the store, poking at different figurines and whatnot that the store had. Ben remembered being so in love with comics but he sorta… left it all behind.

 

He had been staring at a figurine in its box and reading the captions adorning the cardboard with descriptions of what was to come with the mini Superman, it was then where he could hear Rey’s stomach growl in hunger. Ben looked up at her and laughed, enjoying the way her cheeks tinted pink in embarrassment. He strode over to her and ruffled her hair— so much for combing it how many damn times before they came here— as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

 

“C’mon, let’s get something to eat.

 

Turns out, the irritating ten year old girl in front of him— yes, the one who he still cared deeply for and the one he watched grow up despite how much of a brat she could be— didn’t  _ crave  _ for anything in the food court but once the smell of artificial buttered popcorn filled her nostrils, she wanted that.

 

“Rey, I’m not going in there just to buy you popcorn.”

 

“Well then let’s go watch a movie!”

 

“Rey,” Ben half huffed and groaned out. This kid was difficult. But because it was Rey, he obeyed and here he was, sitting next to her in the dark lit room as he munched on buttery goodness from their shared large tub of popcorn. The movie Rey chose to watch was Iron Man and he realized she had an equal heart for DC and Marvel. Hmph. In his defense, he was a diehard lover of the DC Universe.

 

The fifteen year old boy couldn’t even notice the timid behavior of Rey even when their hands accidentally touched while reaching for the popcorn. God, he was oblivious. She remembered hearing stories from Leia about how Han was just as bad. Rey hoped deep down that maybe she’d get her happy ending like they did.

 

Maybe not so deep down.

 

* * *

 

A few months had passed and she had grown up finally but she wanted to grow up more. She  _ needed  _ to grow up more. Their little town was now feeling like a desert in the horrid month of July. It was summer vacation and she’d be going into sixth grade. Oh God, that was already middle school. And damn it, Ben was starting his tenth year of school. 

 

Rey had a long way to go.

 

The mid-summer heat did horrible things to her skin and she learned from experience— painful experience. It was the relieving fact that her backyard had a pool and Jesus Christ, the Solo family was planning to come to swim but she wasn’t ready for that, oh no.

 

Rey had seen Ben shirtless a handful of times when she was just a little kid and the pool parties they had were just a bat of an eyelash. It was nothing special. But suddenly right here and right now, she didn’t want to go down and soak in the oh-so-cold pool despite how hot it was up in that humid room of hers.

 

She had changed into her one-piece bathing suit with the white polka dots but had no intention of going into the pool or even showing the damn thing. She left it covered up with shorts and a tank top. Something was just different and it was causing her to be  _ alright  _ with burning in the sun.

 

Her parents and Ben’s parents were inside, preparing some refreshing summer food like watermelon and Leia’s famous cinnamon buns— God, she was starting to drool. It was just her and Ben out in the backyard, his swim trunks on and a simple gray t-shirt as he lounged on one of the pool chairs beside her. Rey’s lips quirked up when she noticed he was reading a comic book.

 

A low whine escaped Ben’s throat as he sat up and stretched, his brow already sweating because it was so hot that he was going to burst. His words, not Rey’s. Rey averted her eyes as he pulled off his shirt and jumped in the water, a sigh of relief filling the air as his head came up from the icy water. It sure did look relieving especially with how goddamn hot it was. Rey cursed mentally, she was sure it wasn’t this horrible last year. She groaned, to hell with global warming.

 

Her eyes continued to read the book she brought out, both as a source of entertainment and shade from the sun’s vicious heat. “Rey!” Ben shouted out and he rested his arms on the pool’s edge, wincing at how the surface heated up but the excess water dripping off of him cooled it off.

 

Her eyes flickered away from the words on her page and she laid the book against her stomach, pages faced down. “What?” She asked and her eyes squinted from the bright rays of light— Jesus, why was it so hot and bright?

 

“Aren’t you going to come in?” He asked with a raised eyebrow as he pushed his hair back. It was difficult with how long his hair had grown out. Rey thought he needed a haircut.

 

“Uhm,” she started and couldn’t find the words to continue so she merely shrugged. Hoping it would satisfy Ben, she returned to her book of badass magical humans who fought demons in New York. A frown returned to Ben’s face as he watched her eyes scan over the book. He wasn’t exaggerating when he said that she  _ always  _ had her nose stuck in a book.

 

“If you don’t come in, I’ll eventually come over there and throw you over my shoulder so I could dunk you into the pool.” Ben deadpanned with serious eyes as if he weren’t joking.

 

Rey gasped and chuckled as if it were some funny joke between them but the look in his eyes made her realize he was dead serious. “Ben,” she said cautiously with that pristine accent of hers that she shared with her mother and father. Ben could listen to her everyday. “Don’t you dare.”

 

The fifteen year old grinned at her with mischief in his eyes as he began to climb out of the pool. Rey jumped up as her mother and Leia opened up the screen door to the backyard, making their way to the wooden table her mother had set up under the navy blue canopy. She found an excuse to avoid being thrown into the water by Ben as she ran along to help the women with the food.

 

Unfortunately, the poor girl wasn’t fast enough as Ben grabbed her by the waist and despite the many shrieks that left her lips and punches against his back— shit, she could throw a good punch—, Ben threw her into the pool and laughed as he jumped in after Rey.

 

Rey’s head resurfaced to find a very amused Ben Solo laughing ‘til he couldn’t breathe and she groaned. “I still had my clothes on.”

 

“Oops, sorry.” He wasn’t sorry at all.

 

* * *

 

 

It was one of the first arguments Rey had ever actually heard. The sound of it seemed like it happened often. She instantly recognized the loud yells of Ben, shouting some sentence about how Leia and Han never really gave a shit about them. The calm yet strict tone of Han defending his wife and telling Ben to not bring in his mother into this, the sharp tone of “don’t you dare bring her into this” being heard throughout the whole damn neighborhood.

 

They’re arguing and it’s terrifying to her. Rey hadn’t realized the difficulties between the Solos. She assumed that they were a perfect family but everybody has their incorrect guesses right? Their arguments usually start in the afternoon where she’s doing her homework and end or continue throughout the late night. Rey wished she could just grow up so she could finally have a better understanding about how the hell things worked in families. She could’ve sworn she heard the sound of shattered glass from Ben’s bedroom.

 

They lived across the street.

 

If she could hear, everybody else could.

 

It was one of the first times Rey watched Ben get into Han’s old rundown car with a backpack and speed off, going to God knows where. He only ever left for two to three days and always returned.  _ Always. _

 

After every episode of his, Ben would climb over Rey’s fence and end up on her balcony no matter what time it was. The one night he’d always remember was when Rey opened up the sliding door and Ben met her hazel eyes except they were red and puffy and she had been crying. In an instant, they were side by side on her bed like they always were when he came to visit.

 

“What’s wrong?” He asked so softly, his voice was so gentle compared to the rough and loud yells of hysterics Rey had heard just an hour before.

 

She shook her head and rubbed her eyes. “It’s nothing,” Rey said quietly and gave him a tight yet reassuring smile.

 

Ben shook his head and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. “Not to me.”

 

Rey believes those were the damn words that had her falling hard. She had it  _ bad _ . Merely ten years old and she felt so strongly for the fifteen year old next to her. Jesus Christ.

 

She took in a deep breath and embraced the feeling of his arm around her. “I was worried. You know, you guys argue really loud and I’ve been so emotional lately— it just came upon me and I started to cry.”

  
Ben’s heart swelled right then and there because Rey was crying due to being worried for  _ him _ . He didn’t realize her dainty fingers came to his bandaged knuckles he had torn when he punched the wall after one of his rough arguments with his parents. “Ben,” she said softly and sighed. What was she going to do with him?

 

Rey gasped softly as Ben enveloped her into a tight hug, crushing her bones with a shrill yelp but he didn’t care. He hugged her so fiercely he could smell the strawberry shampoo in her hair and God, no matter how much it hurt being crushed by him, she loved it. Rey breathed him in just like he breathed her in and oh dear, she was in love. Her little girl heart who dreamed of fairy tales was swelling and ready to burst because the boy she had been longing for and still currently longing for was holding her so tight she could tear up and cry again with ugly sobs but Ben wouldn’t care.

 

It had become too late too quickly and he pulled himself away, telling Rey gruffly that she should get some sleep and he’d see her in the morning. He gave her a lopsided grin that had so much Han like features to it, she realized how bad Leia had in for herself too.

 

She was so young and she couldn’t possibly understand how love worked but in her own mind, she would grow for him until she could love him as fiercely as she would.


	3. the pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the continued story of slipped up words, periods, dreadful yet humorous and almost perfect walks to school, comfort, and pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heya another chapter up!! this one was one of the longest i wrote and im really liking the direction im going to take this story. i hope you enjoy and please leave your feedback down in the comments! :)

She’s panicking. The prick feeling of anxiety courses through her veins as she paces the wooden floor of her bedroom. The disgusting fumes from the new paint that coated her walls make her freckled nose scrunch up when really she should be plugging her nose up because God knows what those fumes will do to her brain, Rey had convinced her parents to cover up the pretty pink color her walls had once been, they had agreed hesitantly to her request. They didn’t enjoy seeing their little girl grow up but as parents, they knew that time would come no matter how much they resisted.

 

It was coming too fast in their opinion.

 

Her walls were now a light shade of gray that her eyes had spotted on a card at the hardware store. It seemed fitting and she had showed her dad the thin, plastic, card and pointed at the specific shade of warm gray with her burgundy painted fingers. Mr. Kenobi had asked multiple times if she was sure about this. Rey saw no point in the various times he asked simply because it was paint. They could always change the color of her walls again, right?

 

Ah well, to a parent, some things were in a completely different context. Rey’s dad saw this as his little girl — God, he could remember the feel of her little baby hands grabbing at his index finger— growing up way too fast for his liking. He loved her too much to let her stay as his little girl.

 

Anyway.

 

The young girl paced her room back and forward because she had just said the most horrifying thing that could have ever left those glossed lips of hers up ‘til that very moment with Ben. That damn fruit lip gloss must have hijacked her mind somehow to leave her in an incredibly stupid state. She knew the nauseating smell but amazing taste was dubious. Rey had been sitting next to Ben in his new car that Han and Leia had given him for sixteenth birthday. She had remembered the way his eyes lit up when he realized that it was for him. She remembered looking up at him with her eyebrows arched high because wow… that car needed a whole lotta work to be done to it.

 

She had sighed so deeply that Ben looked over at her in genuine concern. “You alright?” He asked with a raise of his eyebrow. She loved the way his emotion could change in a heartbeat.

 

Rey cleared her throat and reverted her gaze to the greenery passing by in a blur, suddenly so interested in how many trees were along the empty road they were driving down. She had asked to hang out with him before the summer break ended and she never thought that driving was an option. Rey learned to love it. “Uhm yeah, of course.”

 

Even if she wasn’t looking at him, she sensed that Ben knew something was up. It was one of those things she hated about him and loved about him, it merely depended on the situation they were put in. This was the time she wished he couldn’t read her so well. Although it was practically inevitable since he had watched her hazel eyes so intently as she grew up in order for him to tell if she would cry, laugh, or yell in anger.

 

“Rey,” his voice was a baritone of caution. Goodness— he reminded her so much of Mr. Solo that it irked her. She knew that Ben used that tone whenever he would try to get to the bottom of whatever was rubbing her the wrong way.

 

“It’s nothing, Ben. I’m serious,” Rey nearly whined because she didn’t really want to say what was on her mind because it was  _ him.  _ Incredibly delirious thoughts of him just staying put at sixteen years old until she was old enough— until she was  _ grown  _ enough— just so she could finally understand him and have him look at her the same way she did with him.

 

It was impossible.

 

She knew she’d have to be patient but patience wasn’t always such good friends with Rey. Hell, her parents and especially Ben should know. A soft smile surfaced when memories of her whines and multiple timeouts in the corner came to her head in a slow rush, most of these consequences were achieved from being impatient. Her mother  _ did  _ always say she was a troublemaker before. The most vivid memory Rey had crammed into the back of her head, thanks to Ben always teasing her about it, was when she had thrown a huge ass tantrum in the grocery store because she wanted a toy and no, her mother couldn’t buy ingredients for dinner at that moment because she wanted that toy  _ now _ . Oh boy. Fellow shoppers gave her parents dirty looks and Ben had tagged along since his parents were simply too busy with work. Rey had been the mere age of four years old and goodness, he never knew such temper existed in Rey when he was only the naive age of nine.

 

“It’s never just ‘nothing’ with you, Rey.” Ben huffed out and took one hand off of the steering wheel to nudge her shoulder with his elbow, pulling Rey out of her jumbled up thoughts to give her a soft smile.

 

“If I were older, what would you see me as?” The words left her mouth before she could process the horror of what she had just said. Rey expected Ben to possibly step on the brakes of his car, coming to a short stop to look at her and confess his utter love for her—

 

That’s not how life worked.

 

Jesus Christ, that only happened in books and movies.

 

Instead, the sixteen year old kept on driving but a new tension had filled the air at the sudden— very sudden— question coming from the eleven year old girl he hated but truly loved. Rey closed her eyes and her lips pursed. She was rigid stiff in her seat and once again found an interest in the various signs that were either yellow, white, or red. Her eyes fell onto the stop sign and inhaled deeply, thinking it was a sign that she should seriously just stop this nonsense and move on and be a  _ kid. _

 

“May I ask why you’re wondering that?” Ben said quietly as if it were barely a whisper but Rey knew that she had just screwed things up. Well, she didn’t know but she sure as hell thought she did. She couldn’t reply as she fiddled with her thumbs, a habit she had come accustomed to after watching Ben’s own nervous ticks. God, she was trying so hard wasn’t she?  _ Too  _ hard.

 

“Take me home please.” Rey had requested and turned to look at him finally— he was a lot more interesting than road signs and trees and much more beautiful— with a smile that Ben could tell didn’t reach her eyes. He could only respond by staring at her for a few good seconds, wondering what was happening to the Rey he had watched grow for so long, and oh God, it was one of those moments where he just wished she could’ve been born just five years before her birth year.

 

* * *

 

 

Either to Rey’s please or dismay, Ben had never mentioned that car ride and so did she. It was one of those nights that slipped in between them and they could merely tell by the way their eyes spoke the day after that it was something to not be told of. It was like a little secret of theirs even though there was never really much to tell.

 

So here she was, sitting in the passenger seat of his car that was rusty and run down but Ben seemed to love it as much as his father did. She was surprised Han hadn’t taken  _ this  _ car for himself and let Ben have his car. Rey believed one of the reasons Han had convinced Leia to buy their son a pre-owned vehicle that didn’t even look like it was from this time period instead of a new one was because he wanted Ben to take on after him and be his own handy-man. Rey had told this speculation to Ben and his eyes had widened and his lips formed an ‘O’ shape in  realization that she couldn’t stop cackling in her bean bag chair, unfortunately losing the page she had just been reading to Ben.

 

Ben sensed that something about the eleven year old next to him was off. She wasn’t acting like herself the past few weeks and she most definitely had a temper. Every joke he had cracked instantly offended her which left him in such a confused fuss because he made that very same joke three weeks ago and Rey was on the floor, dying of laughter. Rey wouldn’t speak to him and kept her eyes on the glass window beside her, observing everything they passed by going at a quick blur.

  
“Rey—,” Ben had began to start when a little gasp left the younger girl’s lips. He glanced at her with an arched eyebrow at her unexpected reaction to… he had no idea.

 

“Oh, my God.” Her eyes were practically saucers and she looked as if she couldn’t breathe and in an instant, Be had stopped the car along the side of the road which, thank God, wasn’t busy.

 

“Rey, what’s wrong?” He asked with so much concern in those big, dark brown, eyes of his that Rey seemed too embarrassed to fess up and explain what was going on with her growing body. Jesus Christ, why did she have to be with Ben when this was happening?

 

Rey gulped and she cringed at the loud sound it had made in the small car, she watched as it only made Ben’s concern grow more.

 

“Can you, uhm, drive to the nearest place with a bathroom?” Ben’s eyebrows raised higher in surprise and very clear confusion as to what the hell was going on with this kid.

 

“Shorty, what’s up?” He had began to drive once again, his eyes looking out for a fast food restaurant in this damn small town of theirs. A click of his tongue signaled he had found a Jack-In-The-Box off the side of the road and Rey sucked in a breath, opening up her small purse she liked to carry around now for some necessities that came with growing up.

 

“Ben,” she said slowly as she looked up at the sixteen year old boy with a serious expression that didn’t quite come off as serious and more so adorable to him. “I’m sure you’ve learned this at school— I hope you did— I started my period.” Rey had said each world calmly in such an orderly manner that she sounded so much like her mother.

 

Truth be told, Rey found much amusement in the image of Ben’s face going pale, his unnoticeable beauty marks standing out even more against his cheeks. “Oh,” was the only word he could seem to make out.

 

Which led him to standing outside of the Jack-In-The-Box as he waited for the younger girl to come out from the bathroom. He ran a hand through his hair and chuckled to himself because oh God, he had been so worried that something serious had happened to her. Well, not like this wasn’t anything serious but something that was  _ hurting  _ her.

 

Rey walked out of the fast food restaurant to meet Ben who was laughing to himself and smiling like an idiot. Her eyebrows raised in shock and a little tinge of confusion because why was he just standing there, laughing at nothing and smiling like a serial killer from one of the horror movies they’ve watched together?

 

But God, it was beautiful.

 

* * *

 

 

There was the time when Rey had just started kindergarten and God, she just walked into the classroom with her little chin held up high and she didn’t cry but goodness gracious, her mother sure did. The confidence had grown with the girl and everyday, Ben had walked her to school even if he didn’t want to. It was hard having Leia as a mom but such a blessing at the same time, especially when the rules and decisions were set by  _ her.  _

 

He didn’t want to hold her hand but apparently “her mommy always did” and he was stuck holding onto those same little chubby fingers that pulled at his hair when he was five. Ben didn’t mind at the time but his friends would laugh at him, asking why he was hanging out with a kindergartener— his friends seemed to have something against those who were younger than them and well, he had his moments with Rey but he still cared for her with all his heart— and Ben would reply with a short “I’m walking her to school,” as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, which it kinda was.

 

The whole thing just sorta stuck and ever since that day, they walked together to the hell they called public school. It wasn’t quite far from their neighborhood but Rey always seemed to groan about the walk as she got older because laziness decided to grow with her. She was now in sixth grade, her first year of middle school and she was terrified at first, and he was a sophomore. Rey remembered Leia hugging her son and he was already taller than the poor woman, but she remembered Leia’s sad words of how her baby was growing up. The little brunette agreed with Mrs. Solo and frowned as she stared at Ben, wishing he could just stop growing for a year or two so she could be like him.  _ For  _ him.

 

“What’cha looking at?” He asked defensively with a glare but deep down it was simply the familiar playfulness he had with Rey. Rey clicked her tongue and looked away, her gaze reverting to her new boots walking against the pavement.

 

“Just thinking about your mom,” she admitted truthfully and Ben’s eyebrows knitted together in puzzlement.

 

“What about my mom?” He asked slowly as if it were some cautious question that would result in a bewildering answer. “Shorty, is there something we need to talk about?”

 

Rey stared at him in confusion, wondering what the hell he meant and then— oh, oh God— her eyes widened and her nose scrunched in disgust. “Ew, what the hell Ben?” She threw her pencil pouch at him and he laughed as his hand grabbed the navy blue pouch, throwing his head back as he cackled because he loved it when he toyed and teased her.

 

She was never going to get tired of that laugh, wasn’t she?

 

Once she had spotted her group of friends, Ben disbanded from her and told her a quick “see ya after school” like she wouldn’t run up to him at lunch break and ask him to bring her to the McDonalds because she was craving some of their fries. No matter how annoyed he got, he always gave her what she want.

 

Rey was grinning from ear to ear when she approached her friends she’d stuck with ever since third grade, they smiled and kept stealing glances at Ben when the poor girl wasn’t looking. Rey frowned as they giggled and whispered to one another, an expression of perplexment easing its way onto her face.

 

“What?” She asked in defense, her hair coming up to her hair self consciously. Rey had style it into a braid but wondered if it looked completely ridiculous on her. The sudden thoughts made her cheeks flush and her hands came up to undo the braided locks.

 

“Nothing,” her friend Jessika stated with a reassuring smile as her arm came up to wrap around Rey’s shoulders. “We were just saying how we wished we had a  _ big brother  _ who looked like that.” A chortle left the young girl’s throat and Rey shook her head in disgust but chuckling as the bell rang, signaling it was time to snooze in Mr. Patterson’s history class because that drone like voice kept going on and on about the Declaration of Independence but frankly she couldn’t care less.

 

As they walked down the hall, Rey couldn’t help but grimace to herself at the words  _ big brother  _ leaving Jess’s lips _ ,  _ Ben was anything but a big brother to her.

 

Oh, God help her.

 

 

* * *

“Ben, you don’t understand! It’s a huge part of my grade in that class!” Rey practically yelled into the phone that she had received for her eleventh birthday. Ben personally thought she was a little young because he got his first phone at  _ thirteen  _ but Mrs. Kenobi had wanted Rey to have access to communicating freely.

 

Damn.

 

Rey’s forehead creased as her lips turned in a frown at the guttural sound that could only be Ben chuckling at her hysterics of wanting to pass this History exam  _ so  _ bad. She couldn’t find what was so funny about her actually giving a damn about who the Founding Fathers were and no, Alexander Hamilton wasn’t a president. Jesus Christ, that was one of the only few facts she could remember. Tears began to well up in her eyes because she couldn’t fail a class. Rey  _ never  _ failed a class in her single life and strived for straight A’s because that was just how she was grown up, in cozy houses and tight families who wanted the best for their daughter, parents who read her bedtime stories up until the age of eight because she claimed that it was quite silly to read about a mouse named Geronimo in that posh accent of hers. However, her body usually came to disagreements with her mind whenever she’d zone out in class. It wasn’t uncommon for her but somehow, thank God, she manages to pass the class with an A.

 

“Well maybe you should sleep less in Patterson’s class, Shorty.”

 

Ben seemed to sense just through the crack in her voice that, oh dear, Rey had began to cry in frustration. God, he could relate so damn much. A sigh left his lips in a quick breath and he told her— he promised her that he’d be over in a few minutes so he could help her study.

 

A smile that seemed to almost light up her whole room began to form on her lips and she nodded despite knowing Ben couldn’t see her. “Thank you,” she had said softly and hung up.

 

Ten minutes later, there was the soft tap that always seemed to send her into a mini cardiac arrest even if she knew that it was always Ben. Its always him.

 

The hours passed and of course, not a lot of studying had been going on and here they were, simply being two kids with Rey up on purple bean bag chair, reading Ben the first chapter of The Lightning Thief while he laid on the polka dot rug below her because she was absolutely shocked when Ben admitted to not knowing who the hell Percy Jackson was.

 

They had only spent a mere ten minutes of flipping through Rey’s history textbook until Ben asked her what the test was about and because Mr. Patterson was oh-so-predictable when it came to exams, Ben found no fuss in just giving Rey the answers because he could still remember from all those years ago when he got answers from another former student. Rey frowned when the various letters came out of his mouth because she wasn’t one to cheat on exams but maybe it was for the best. At least she knew it’d be multiple choice.

 

But all that seemed to matter as of now was Ben’s laughter at the god awful puns found in Rick Riordan’s work of art. Rey smiled behind the pages and stuttered as she read each paragraph because Ben was staring right at her, taking in her voice as she read on about demigods and Greek mythology but he was staring at  _ her _ ; Rey Kenobi, the girl who had lived across the street from him for years now.

 

She noticed that she had become less dependent on growing up for him. Was it possibly because she was grown enough for him to notice her and actually, really, truly notice her? To look at her with that same gleam she held in her eyes every time she snuck a glance at the beautiful boy next to her. It was all practically a fantasy to her and Rey wondered if that was why she had been so hooked on fairy tales and Disney princesses as a young child  because that was what she longed for. Ben was supposed to be her Disney prince that would be known as Prince Ben, a collectible who’d be sold next to her own Disney princess doll.

 

Christ, just what does she think about?

 

“Why’d you stop reading?” Ben’s gentle voice brought her back to her own, not-so-terrible, reality and she gave him a reassuring smile. His shoulders eased and he tried meeting those eyes of hers but every time they caught each other’s gaze, she looked down at the flurry of words on the worn out pages since she had read this story multiple times, always losing herself in the fantasy of being a hero.

 

“Sorry, zoned out.” She replied sheepishly and inhaled a deep breath, continuing to read to Ben as if he were that little boy again who grudgingly played ‘dollies’ with her because his momma said so. Ben stood up and Rey stumbled over her words as he ruffled her hair, earning a groan from the brunette.

 

“Come on, how about we get something to eat and every time you get a study question right, I’ll buy you whatever you want?” He grinned from ear to ear as he threw on his hoodie he had been wearing to protect himself from the bitter winds that began to surface in their small town.

 

“Really?” Rey asked with her eyes oh-so-goddamn-bright he could burst.

 

“Nah.”

 

Bastard.

 

* * *

 

 

Damn it.

 

She knew— Jesus Christ, she  _ knew  _ that eventually this would happen and it would break her little innocent heart just a little, just a tiny yet somehow painful crack in that stupid organ of hers, knowing she’d wish for Ben to help fix it somehow in someway.

 

Rey had knocked on the wooden door of the Solo household, practically drooling as she craved for Leia’s cinnamon buns because, God, she had just read a cookbook out of curiosity and the sound of desserts filled her mind with no end. She heard the quick shuffle of heavy feet against the floor as the door opened, Rey’s gaze meeting the tall figure of Ben.

 

“Hey,” she greeted quickly and slipped under his arm before he could protest. Rey walked through the hall and turned the corner to enter the living room when she spotted a girl sitting on the couch. Her brunette hair seemed like it had just been rubbed against a balloon vigorously and her pouty lips were a sore red. Rey stopped dead in her tracks as those gears up in her head made a connection to Ben’s awful appearance. She had met him at the front door with his hair all over the place, his cheeks flushed, and— oh God— his lips just as red as the unfamiliar girl.

 

“Hello,” the girl stood up from the couch and gave Rey a soft smile. She strode over and held out her hand in an attempt to shake Rey’s. “I’m Rachel, Ben’s girlfriend.” And that smile of hers, that smile that showed she was truly happy with being his.

 

Damn.

 

“Oh,” Rey’s voice came out in a squeak as her hand came up hesitantly to shake Rachel’s. “Th-that’s great. I’m Rey.” She drew her hand back and tried to hide the subtle crack in her voice as she stared at the older girl in front of her. Rey had to admit that she was gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous and just the way she threw herself out there, her posture, her friendliness, it was amazing.

 

An awkward silence gradually filled the thick tension in the air, so damn thick you could cut it with a knife and it still wouldn’t budge. Ben cleared his throat and Rey snapped her gaze back towards him, trying so desperately to hide her hazel eyes that seemed more so green than brown. She really didn’t want him to read her. She couldn’t have him read her thoughts right now no matter how good he was able to. It was all hurting too much and she was stupid— so  _ stupid  _ of her for willing herself to just grow for him until he could finally love her when there were so many other fish in the sea just like Rachel. She was mature enough for him. So stupid.

 

“Uhm, does your mom have any leftover cinnamon buns?” Rey asked quietly as she strode into the kitchen. “I won’t be long in case I interrupted anything.” A strained smile tugged at the corners of her mouth in an attempt to keep her cool and try to make Ben believe that it was alright. She was alright.

 

If he was happy then she was happy.

 

Before Ben could even answer her question, Rey turned on her heel and walked towards the front door. “You know what, never mind. I’m not that hungry actually.” A nervous jitter of laughs left her throat in an attempt to cut down on the awkward silence that filled the living room to the brim. She could feel him step towards her, to catch her shoulder in his hands and turn her back around to face  _ him,  _ to ask what the hell was going on with her.

 

But he already knew. He knew and he realized that mistake of his.

 

She was already gone.

 

* * *

 

 

He had laid in bed that night, nothing but the sound of his intake of breaths, the heart stopping taps coming from the damn tree as it tapped against his window when the wind blew the right way every so often, and the faint music coming from his laptop on his desk. He was too invested in his thoughts to get up and turn it off so he could actually sleep for once. Christ, it was futile. Ben had spent the past few nights just thinking. Thinking about  _ her,  _ goddamnit. What did he even see in Rachel? When she had crawled over from her side of the couch whilst they watched a movie he hated— he let her pick— and pressed her lips against his in such a wet, distasteful, haste, he had realized that all he ever saw in her was Rey.

 

The loud yell that erupted from his throat was one of frustration as he realized how stupid he must be. God. She had been all he ever wished for ever since she had grown enough for him to notice that she was not just that little bundle of joy wrapped in a pink blanket but a person. She was Rey. She was something so special to him it made him feel like he was going to burst at the seams when she laughed or when she frowned at him, that glare she had learned just from him in her eyes when she was angry, that grin that truly reached her almond eyes as they squinted to allow room for her bright smile to show.

 

She was everything.


	4. the anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the little moments between the two before things went to hell and before things were lost. late night talks and emotions, horrid holidays that could only be filled with joy and laughter because it was him, and the shitty argument they just had to had before things went downhill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all the feedback is motivating me to write more! thank you guys so much for reading this story and i hope you enjoy this chapter! there will be more to come— a LOT more so stay tuned ;)

There were many words in the dictionary or whole wide world or in different languages that could somewhat explain the peculiar feelings Rey was experiencing as Ben Solo sat on her polka dot rug in the middle of her room. It was nearly 2am and she was a total wreck especially from the lack of slumber but that was mostly her fault because she couldn’t keep her eyes off of the screen as her hands shoved popcorn into her mouth whilst watching Sam Rami’s Spider-Man and in take of the lovable Peter Parker. A loud sigh filled the comfortable silence in her storm cloud gray walled room from the just as lovable teenager situated on her floor like it was the most normal thing in the world.

 

It probably would be if he came more often.

 

At a more reasonable hour.

 

“So tell me,” Rey yawned and her eyes shut tight and oh God, it felt so good to just close her eyes until the sudden shift of weight on her bed snapped them open. “Wh-why are you here again?” Ben had climbed up to her balcony with shivering fingers because it was edging into the month of November and it was already practically freezing outside, but he didn’t care. Sometimes Rey felt like the older boy was naturally accustomed to the harsh weathers because every time her skin brushed against his just  _ slightly,  _ a rush of warmth flooded through her like a dam.

 

It was either that or she was just too in love with him.

 

Ben grinned down at her sleepy figure from the edge of her bed, his eyes looking just as dark around the edges and worn. It had been a few rough nights for Ben considering how many arguments seemed to blow up in his face no matter how many times he tried to calm down. He knew Rey heard every single one of them. He knew practically everybody in his neighborhood heard them. Ben wasn’t sure whether he should be relieved or concerned that nobody except Rey had mentioned anything about the harsh words yelled at the top of his lungs directed towards the two people who loved him more than the world.

 

That was life.

 

“Just wanted to see you,” he said with such a nonchalant tone to his voice that Rey’s heart skipped a beat. It was words like those that spilled out of Ben’s lips, that were clearly visible to see were inherited from his mother, that made Rey’s inside feel like complete putty whenever he was around. Her smile then turned to a frown as she remembered that she wasn’t as special to him. Rey’s forehead creased as the frown deepened when he merely smiled brighter at her. Ben had then returned the frown when she turned on her side to face away from him, giving her attention to the wall that held polaroids of him and her side by side as well as silly photos of her friends at sleepovers.

 

“If you keep frowning, you’ll gain a lot of wrinkles,” Ben teased with a gentle nudge at her lower back in an attempt to get her to look back at him. Please. He never knew how much he wanted her to just turn to face him and return his gaze until she finally did and his chest swelled with an emotion he couldn’t quite describe because he was simply too afraid. His joke about her forehead creases earned him a sharp slap against his forearm that— ouch— hurt pretty bad because the eleven year old or “almost twelve year old” she liked to call herself was one mighty tough girl.

 

After racking up the courage to open her mouth and let words spill out in utter chaos because that was what love felt like— a chaos that you couldn’t control, but a chaos that you longed for because the thrill of it was addicting like a drug and you couldn’t stop even if it broke you and hurt you in the most terrifying ways. Love was scary. Rey had to give herself a pat on the back and an internal chuckle because she was merely eleven years old but thought she knew all the knowledge she could about this common but deadly emotion. She blamed the various books she’d read and the stories that would stick with her until the very end until she re-read them in boredom and lived out every scenario, every kiss, every victory, and every defeat in each one for her understanding of how love works and how it feels.

 

She also blames Ben for just…  _ being  _ Ben because God knows that whatever she felt for him, every flutter of her heart and every flush of her cheeks once he got close enough, was something so strong it could be considered love.

 

Anyway. “Why not Rachel?” Rey had asked in that small voice of hers that made Ben’s heartstrings tug but he just didn’t know it yet for he was quite uneducated with what love was or what it truly felt like. It was Ben’s turn to frown down at the younger girl, wrapped up in her matching polka dot blanket while wearing one of his small band t-shirts that couldn’t fit his growing body anymore.

 

“I uh,” the sixteen year old cleared his throat and shrugged as if everything was simply cool and collected when to Rey, it wasn’t. “I broke up with her.”

 

Rey sat up in shock and surprise and utter… happiness because of those damn words that fell from his damn lips. God, Rachel must’ve been torn.Why should she be joyful? Ben watched as Rey laid back down slowly with an expression of confliction as clear as day set on her face. A low chortle erupted from his throat as he observed her with those dark brown— nearly onyx eyes of his and she could only knit her eyebrows together as if to ask what he found so funny.

 

“It’s nothing,” he said after all his giggles finally left his system and Rey couldn’t help but return the quick smile with a tug at the corner of her lips as her eyes shined because Ben genuinely looked like he was full of joy despite just breaking up with somebody.

 

Well that was probably it. If he broke things off of her it was because he was the unhappy one. Rey could only wonder why but let the thought pass because this was one of the moments she stuck in her head as if it were her own story that she could reread and revisit whenever she wanted.

 

“It’s never just ‘nothing’ with you, Solo.”

 

* * *

 

One of the very bright ideas of Han Solo was to allow his son and Rey attempt at cooking the turkey for Thanksgiving this year. Once Ben had heard his dad’s proposition he instantly asked if his mom had been notified and when his father said yes, he pondered if his mother was actually listening to his father because she would never agree to such a hysterical task for a seventeen year old and twelve year old  _ especially  _ if it involved cooking.

 

Rey had to agree with Ben on this one because unless the adults wanted everybody to have salmonella after Thanksgiving, she’d rather much have Leia and her mother prepare the turkey.

 

But she guessed nobody likes to listen to a teenager and a tween during the holidays because there was far too much to do so they were stuck with one of the most important task for their Thanksgiving dinner. Yeah, no pressure at all.

 

So, here they were, standing side by side as they stared at the uncook piece of meat that still looked like a fucking chicken because it was somewhere along the lines of a chicken. Right now, it just had no head. They couldn’t seem to take their eyes off of the turkey sitting in the baking tray as if it would move or twitch when they looked away.

 

“I assume you know how to cook a turkey,” Rey said with so much confidence yet bewilderment in her tone because she didn’t think knowing how to cook a whole turkey was going to be needed at the age of twelve. She looked up at the older boy and he met her eyes, the gleam in them telling her without words that no, he didn’t know how to cook a turkey.

  
His shoulders then finally shrugged up in that black t-shirt of his and he gave her a little reassuring smile, “I’ve seen my dad throw it in the oven for a while a couple years back.” Rey’s eyes brightened and her mouth formed the shape of an ‘o’ until Ben frowned again, remembering that it was the year his dad nearly set a fire in the house because he had forgotten to turn off the oven. No turkey was present on the dining table that year.

 

A loud groan escaped Rey’s lightly glossed lips in utter frustration because she knew if she was stuck with something, she’d always somehow pull through. But like, cooking a turkey? Why would she need any knowledge for that at her age? Wasn’t she supposed to be learning how to find the volume of a cylinder or just how babies were truly made although nearly everybody in her grade already knew how? The connection between these things? All of it was pointless.

 

“Why can’t your mom make it again?” Rey asked after their quick pass by of comfortable silence and Ben was still looking at that damn turkey and oh God, it was starting to freak her out.

 

“She can.” Ben said without meeting her gaze. “Something about responsibility, I guess.”

 

“I hate having to be responsible.” Rey sneered as she threw herself on to the wooden stools adorning the granite kitchen island. It was quite comfortable for being a makeshift bed but every time you moved an inch, the stool wobbled cautiously and it had you sitting up in seconds.

 

A laugh bounced off of the kitchen walls and there he was, looking at  _ her  _ and not at that stupid uncooked turkey. “Yeah, me too, kid.”

 

And it was either a Thanksgiving miracle or just luck— or the quick instructions they looked up when they realized Ben’s laptop was just upstairs— but the turkey came out pretty damn good. The two sat side by side next to one another at the dining table, grinning from ear to ear as their parents complimented their impressive cooking skills.

 

All they really did was throw it into the oven for an hour or two.

 

Rey scrunched her nose as Ben’s hand came up to ruffle her hair that she proudly styled herself but God, she didn’t really care because it was Ben. “We’re a great team aren’t we, Shorty?”

 

She sighed at the annoying nickname he had called her for almost two years now but her smile seemed to grow even larger and even more blinding. “Yeah, we are.”

 

* * *

 

The one thing she waited the most for every year was the joy of Christmas and all the Christmas songs that seemed to play everywhere; the radio, the shops in the mall, the internet, and her own house. However, what she really enjoyed was Ben’s lack of Christmas spirit as he grew up because he seemed to be getting too old for things now but deep down Rey knew he was just a little tad embarrassed with how far his parents would go with the holidays.

 

Christ, he came home from school to find the front yard cluttered with the various blow up Christmas-y characters his mother always spotted as they shopped and he groaned every year, attempting to convince his mom that they had enough and soon they wouldn’t have a single square inch of their front yard left.

 

“Well there’s always the backyard, Ben.”

 

His eyes had widened in terror when his mother had said that.

 

While walking home from school, scarves wrapped around their necks made by Mrs. Kenobi, large coats thrown over their shoulders, and beanies on their head to protect themselves from the bitter cold and soft crunch of snow under their feet, Rey nudged his arm with her elbow and grinned at his blank expression.

 

“What’s up with the Grinch this year?” She teased and God, Ben would’ve been so irritated with her Christmas jokes every year if it weren’t for that accent of hers that never really seemed to fade away like he thought it would. It was a part of her and had grown to be a part of him.

 

“Oh shut up,” he said into his scarf and kept on walking, Rey having to jog and try her best to not slip on any ice just so she could catch up with him.

 

“So, what do you want for Christmas?” The little brunette asked as she walked beside the seventeen year old, the fabric of their coats rubbing against each other as they walked at the same pace. Ben glanced over at her and hummed as if he were thinking real hard.

 

“I’m not sure. I think I know what you want though.” He said and it was his turn to nudge her affectionately. Rey’s eyes lit up like a goddamn Christmas tree.

 

“Did you get me something already? Ooh what is it? Tell me! No wait— I’d want it to be a surprise. Well, I hate surprises so just spill it.” This was the reason why Ben never mentioned anything about her gifts. Ever. Although, every year he seemed to bring such a bright smile up on her face that it was worth her poking and prodding at his thoughts, desperately seeking for an answer or hint about what it was he got her. Rey wished she could slap that blank expression off of his face to show what he was hiding but as each year had gone by, it had become harder to read through the little boy she once knew so well.

 

“No, Rey. I didn’t get you anything yet,” he huffed and he frowned as Rey nearly fell when her right food slipped against the ice covered pavement. His hand reached out in an instant to grab onto her sleeve and Jesus Christ, that’s where it all began and there they were, a heap of limps on the ground because Ben’s balance was instantly caught off guard in an attempt to avoid Rey’s nose being broken.

 

A groan left his lips as he sat up slightly and rubbed the back of his head, that was sure going to leave a bump in the morning. His eyes blinked multiple times to register the skinnier frame across his chest and stomach. Ben sat up and glared at Rey with those terrifying yet adorable eyes of his and yet all she could do was smile sheepishly at him.

 

“Sorry,” she said ever so softly and damn, she was instantly forgiven because there were times where he couldn’t ever be mad at her no matter just how annoying she could be.

 

Ben slid out from under her and stood up, brushing off the excess snow left on his clothing and he grimaced when he realized his pants were soaked from where the snow had pressed against the fabric. His hand reached out to help Rey up and she looked up at him with that goddamn look in her eyes that always seemed to make his knees weak as her dainty hand reached up to grab his. A soft grunt emitted from the twelve year old as she hoisted herself off of the pavement, patting off the snow on her clothes and she shivered— not from the snow but from the look Ben was giving her—, her teeth a chattering mess and she gave him her best smile.

 

“Let’s get inside and have some hot cocoa, yeah?”

 

Ben smiled and nodded and Christ, he could never stay mad at her even when he tried.

 

“So what’d you get me for Christmas?”

 

“Eyeliner.”

 

“Rey.”

 

Not for long.

 

 

* * *

 

“Rey, fuck off.” Ben groaned as he leaned back in his desk chair, his hands coming to his brow and wiping the non-existent sweat because he was just so stressed that he was going to literally rip himself apart in the next hour or so. Rey sat on the edge of his bed, watching him growl in frustration and if she had to be honest, it was beginning to intimidate her when he nearly punched his laptop in anger.

 

“Ben—,” she said so softly because she was afraid that if one little noise came out of her lips he’d throw a fit and she’s heard what he does all the way across the street and it sounded terrifying. Rey couldn’t bare to  _ see  _ him destroy himself and the things around him. It would destroy herself too.

 

It was like reading a book and you’re at that scene—  _ that  _ scene that has you in tears because the author decided to be a bitch but a bitch who could write oh-so-good. A death, a reunion, a defeat, and a heartbreak. You visualise it in your head just the exact way you think up the fantasy world inside your head as you follow the main characters story.

 

“Rey, I think I’d rather have you step out,” Ben replied calmly but she can see his teeth clenched because oh God, he became a  _ monster _ with that temper of his that she couldn’t quite understand where he had gotten it from. Maybe his mother. Over the years, Rey watched as he broke down in tears or broke into punches as frustration and anger possessed him and it  _ terrified  _ her.

 

And because she was simply a naive little girl, a girl who couldn’t possibly understand what was going on in his head, a stupid little prick who always followed him around, Rey stood up and slowly edged closer to him, laying a calming hand on his shoulder and her voice— God, her voice was so hushed that he felt bad for thinking of her as something so shallow. “But I thought you asked for me to help you on the essay?”

 

And because he was an older boy who couldn’t hold his temper, a boy who was nearly broken inside from all the goddamn yelling that lapped over the happy— oh- _ so-so- _ happy family memories in this damned home, a boy who couldn’t understand what the hell was going on in his head and he felt  _ guilty  _ about it all, he snapped.

 

Ben stood up so quickly, the chair he had been situated on rolled back and nearly ran over Rey’s foot in the process. The older boy looked down at Rey with anger deep in his eyes, in his heart, and in his head that it was shaking him up until he couldn’t possibly comprehend who he was or what was what anymore.

 

“I told you to fuck off, okay?” He sneered with a grit of his teeth and a point of his finger that reminded Rey of how Han used to scold the two when they always got in trouble. Always.

 

“Ben, I—,” He could hear her voice crack and break and tears began to well up in her eyes but she stood there, chin up and fists clenched like he had taught her and Jesus Christ, she was beautiful and a warrior and somebody who listened intently to every word from his mouth and believed him.

 

“I don’t care, Rey. You wouldn’t even understand what this essay is for huh? Because you’re just a little kid who walks around blind all the time and doesn’t seem to notice all the little things because you’re stuck up in your damn head!” What the hell was he saying? Did he really think of her like this deep down in the dark thoughts of his that surfaced every time he couldn’t fucking control himself and oh God, it was like seeing the demon in him come out to terrorize and hurt her and make her heart break into even more tiny little pieces because— fuck.

 

“That’s not true!” She yelled back just as fierce and mighty with those hazel eyes of her set in a hard glare, her blood seething as she looked up to the boy she couldn’t ever hate but couldn’t ever love. Her eyes were more green than light brown when her eyes teared up in her own anger and frustration and she gets it now, she  _ gets  _ it only because he was the one who was breaking her, not herself.

 

“You know it is,” he said in that low baritone of his but he couldn’t look at her. If he did, he’d break even more and he couldn’t show her that vulnerable side of him because he was so  _ afraid  _ that she’d break him even more with her own hateful words because he deserved it. He deserved it for making her cry. He deserved it for not looking at her the same way she looked at him.

 

“You’re a monster!” She cried out and God, she was crying but she was making no show of being weak. Rey reached up to slap him but she stopped herself, she couldn’t. She knew that she’d only work him up more and wind him up until he broke out and did the terrible things he did and said the terrible things he said.

 

“Do it.” Ben looked down at her and had awaited the sharp pain against his cheek but he watched her conflicted expression as she brought her hand down, sparing him because she loved him but she hated him. She  _ hated  _ him.

 

“Goodbye, Ben.” Rey said softly and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, inhaling deeply and giving him one last look before turning on her heel and walking out his bedroom door. It shut with a slam and he heard her feet pad against the wooden stairs as she bounded down the steps because fuck— because of him.

 

He was always the reason why she left.

 

And he was always the reason why she came back.


	5. the departure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> apologies and arguments, confessions, and depressing departures. a first date as a sour cherry on top.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter five yay!! im loving all the comments and feedback from you guys! thank you so much for all the kudos and everyone engaging with this story because it truly is such an experience to write for an audience. i love where im taking this plot and i hope you guys do too (no matter how much it may hurt you), enjoy!!

That night— Jesus, that night was one of the first heated and heartbreaking arguments between the two childish teenagers which would lead to many more but always— they always made up with a quick glance at one another and a ruffle of Rey’s hair as they both muttered an apology. As quick as a blink, they were back to normal after every encounter.

 

But soon suddenly Rey found her and Ben to be on each other’s edge as they butted heads nearly every single day and God, Leia was about ready to separate them by sending her son off to a foreign country because they just wouldn’t stop. It was exhausting. It was painful. They argued over the tiniest things that could have you in a fit of laughter when you realized what their heated yells and shoves were about. Ben’s quick temper and Rey’s stubbornness wasn’t a great combination considering they clashed in the most irritating ways possible.

 

“What time was the movie at again?” Rey had asked whilst they walked home from school, the harsh winter had passed them by in a blur of snow and holidays and  _ finally,  _ flowers began to blossom and color filled their blank lives with the season of Spring.

 

“I don’t know, 5:30?” Ben replied as he glanced at the brunette beside him, she was staring down at her phone with her hazel eyes in a squint as she desperately tried to read the time their movie started on the cinema’s website. Rey could’ve stopped walking to make things much easier but screw it, why not multitask when she could possibly run into a street sign?

 

“It says 4:50 on here,” she countered with a knit of her eyebrows because his answer didn’t add up to the listed time. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe the website made a mistake. Who knows?

 

Ben’s eyebrows drew themselves together as he finally turned to look at her. “I’m positive it said 5:30 when I pre-ordered the tickets. Let me see what it says on your phone.” His hand reached out to grab Rey’s device when she brought it closer to her chest instinctively.

 

“Well it says here on the website 4:50, so maybe you were mistaken.” Rey huffed out because  _ obviously  _ if the time was posted on the official AMC website, then it was correct. Ben grit his teeth in order to try and keep his cool. Keyword— try.

 

“Rey, it said our movie was at 5:30.” Ben pronounced each word as if he were speaking to a first grader and Rey glared down at her screen because she knew that if she looked into Ben’s own eyes with that fierce glare of hers, all hell would break loose in  _ public _ . All their arguments had happened in the closed walls of either her humble abode or his.

 

“Well maybe you bought the wrong tickets,” Rey drawled out slowly but her own temper was beginning to rise and she continued to walk at a faster pace, she didn’t really want to do this now but her mouth and his thoughts had different ideas.

 

“Rey— Jesus Christ, I picked the right movie and the right time  _ you  _ chose!” Ben growled out and goddamnit, here they were again, arguing like there was no tomorrow and spitting out immature defenses because they were still so young when they thought they were oh-so-grown.

 

They didn’t even make it to the movie because they refused to be in the same room as each other.

 

* * *

 

After their rage filled moments, they had their sentimental ones that had Rey’s heart fluttering and her nerves jumping because her almond-shaped eyes took in everything of Ben while her mind made book-like connections that were all just a fantasy. The younger girl truly did see him as her best friend simply because he was the only person who could read her so easily and who could make her grin so large that her cheeks would be sore the next few moments.

 

One night, they had been speaking on the phone because Han and Leia had attempted to ground Ben as a punishment but Rey knew that he would somehow find a way to sneak out for a few puffs of a cigarette. That was another thing. He had picked up on the habit of smoking and every time he did, Rey scrunched up her nose in disgust because health class had informed her on all the reasons why smoking was bad for your health and Christ, it was really disgusting once they brought in somebody’s lungs to show just what it would do to you internally. She remembered telling Ben all this information out of concern and he told her he stopped but God knew that he would inhale the sweet tobacco when the stress was too much but merely in secret, in the faraway deserted areas he knew so well because he drove there in his run down car nearly every night.

 

For some peculiar reason, Ben hadn’t climbed up her balcony but instead called her and her phone pressed up against her ear was starting to hurt and her ear was most likely starting to become numb but Rey didn’t really care because it was  _ him _ on the phone.

 

“What’s up?” She asked in that cheerful little accent of hers that seemed to either make Ben smile or frown depending on what situation they were in. He shrugged his shoulders and cleared his throat when he told himself that Rey couldn’t even see him.

 

“Nothing much, grounded again.” The seventeen year old huffed out as he laid down in his bed, staring up at the popcorn ceiling above his head and visualizing Rey chuckling as her laugh broke out of his phone’s speaker, a  _ tsk tsk _ following her giggles.

 

“What do you keep doing?” Ben remained silent and all he could hear was Rey’s deep breathing that irritated him because could she please just bring her phone away from her mouth a little more? The two held the phones up to their ears in silence because they both knew what Ben kept doing to earn himself a consequence.

 

He kept running away.

 

“You know, the usual,” Rey nearly laughed again because he sounded so nonchalant as if he were ordering a meal from McDonalds and told the cashier that he wanted his usual but remembering in an instant that the person behind the register didn’t know what his ‘usual’ was. Rey hummed in reply because she knew he ran away countless times no matter how hard she tried to convince him that this wasn’t the only way he could go. Ben always showed up on her balcony before he left for one to two days and Rey’s heart would flutter yet drop because the worrisome faces of Han and Leia would always pop up in her head and she swore she could see more gray hairs against Leia’s beautiful brown locks ever since.

 

The younger girl sucked in a breath as she broke the short moment of silence between them. “Are you going to run away again?”

 

There was no answer besides his heavy breaths and she had nearly pressed the red button on her screen that would hang up the call but that familiar baritone of his rang out of her phones speaking.

 

“I’m not sure, to be honest.” And he was being honest. Rey could tell by the way his voice was carried out in that little distinct way whenever he couldn’t make up his mind or was utterly confused.

 

God, it felt like it was the right time to just go out there and say it because then it would be over with and maybe— just maybe that weight against her shoulders and chest that left it difficult to breathe whenever Ben was around or even just  _ talking  _ would be lifted into something positive.

 

But damn it, there was the negative side to things about confessing your utter most feelings from deep within because he could be disgusted with her. Completely disgusted because he only saw her as a little sister and the thought alone terrified her into a long silence that worried Ben.

 

“You still awake, Shorty?” He asked in such a gentle tone, she couldn’t believe it had left his lips. Well, if she hadn’t known him for all her twelve years of life, she wouldn’t even think such a soft tone would be able to come from him.

 

“Yeah— Yeah I am,” she whispered reassuringly and turned on her side, facing the wall her bed was pressed against. Her eyes danced over the multiple pictures of her and Ben as well as her and some of her close school friends. Posters adorned the light gray walls along with a string of lights she had found in the store and thought they were just adorable.

 

“Ben?” Rey asked as she held her breath for no apparent reason but Christ, there was always a reason to her jittery actions and high nerves especially now when her heart pounded in her chest because she was finally finding the courage to say the words she’s wanted to say to him ever since she was nearly eleven years old.

 

“Yeah?” He replied and he sounded so at peace, or more so the sound of exhaustion taking him over and damn, it was now or never.

 

“You know that I uhm—,” her throat welled up in anxiety because this was either where it all stayed the same or where it all changed. Rey had all her money on the latter and she wasn’t quite sure if it would be a good change or a completely awful one. God, she hoped that it wouldn’t be too bad. But deep down she knew this would change the dynamic between the two kids who grew up across the street from one another and the kids who watched each other grow up in either despair or joy.

 

“You what, Rey?”

 

“That I feel very… strongly about.. you.” The last few words came out in a squeak that made her cringe because she was so stupid for doing this but Rey had felt the sudden urge to just fess up or she’d regret it. It was like the choice shown to the main character of a book and they had to choose before the world around them broke in destruction and chaos and terror because it all up to  _ them  _ and  _ their  _ choice. But she couldn’t bring out the L-bomb because she herself had no idea if this was truly what love was and if she loved him. A crush that had blossomed into something so much more but was it love? The question danced around in her head like a tease or joke and it irritated her to no end but this was alright. This was the closest she was going to go and it was already edging near the end of Ben’s razor blade. It was already a big enough risk.

 

The other side of the line was dead silent and fear only took over Rey more as her thoughts invaded her heart because oh God, what if he was really disgusted with her? What if he did really only see her as nothing more than a sister figure? It all wanted to make Rey cry but she didn’t. She held her head up— despite the fact she was laying down— and she clenched her fists to stop the salty tears from welling up in her eyes out of plain and simple anxiety of what Ben would finally say.

 

“I know, Rey.” Ben finally said because all the way across the street was a boy, laying down in bed, still looking up at his roof because Rey had finally said it. He knew. He knew deep down about her feelings for him and he knew his feelings for her. Hell, at first he had thought her affection and action towards him was the beginning of a short schoolgirl crush. It had blossomed into something more just like the flowers his mother had planted in their backyard when she had discovered her new green thumb. Ben honestly thought it was another hobby Leia pushed herself towards to forget that her son ran off nearly every night to corrupt himself.

 

And God, she was expecting so much more. Rey laid there, as still as a rock because damn it— she just told Ben about the stupid emotions that had been eating her up inside ever since her eyes saw him in a different way two years ago.

 

And all she received was an “I know”.

 

Jesus Christ.

 

“It’s getting late, Shorty. You should go to bed now.” He sat up and Rey could hear the soft creak of his bed in the background. What she didn’t know was that Ben had stood up to peek through his window, staring at the window that connected Rey’s bedroom to the outside world. His words nearly left Rey suffocating and she nodded, scolding herself mentally because Ben couldn’t even see her.

 

“Yeah,” was all she could let out without her voice breaking and she hung up in a quick press of a button because that was so downright stupid of her. Rey sighed into her pillow and groaned loudly, but not too loud because she couldn’t bare the thought of her parents barging in her room when she was having one of the worst nights of her life over a boy that merely lived across the road.

 

And in the Solo’s household, Ben sat on the edge of his bed wondering why he couldn’t say anything back to Rey. Was it because he didn’t want to ruin her childhood and teenage life of experiencing dating and lovesick crushes? Or was it possibly because he was too struck with shock that he could barely comprehend every single thought in his head? Or maybe it was because he planned to leave this town for good in the morning, just at the crack of dawn and he’d be gone because this small town of his only held memories he wished to forget. He wanted to let the past die. But God, how could he let his own past fade away when a huge part of it was something he held so dear to him?

 

His dark, oh-so-tired eyes fluttered to the suitcase he packed full of clothes and necessities he needed for this huge risk that was not at all a baby step. Ben had no plan where to go but he knew he’d head south, he heard from his mother about his Uncle Luke that he’d only maybe visited once and he lived somewhere south of this disastrous town. Ben could only sigh and close his eyes, sleeping through the pound of his heart against his ribcage because fuck, what was he going to do?

 

* * *

 

Rey had walked to school alone that morning and she remembered thinking if their conversation last night was awful enough for Ben to avoid her. When Rey spotted one of his friends who was actually nice enough to notice she was there, she had asked if Ben was even at school that day. Her heart dropped when she received a no.

 

Her mind went back to the sound of his voice when he had replied to her question of whether he’d leave town again and just run. Rey had thought he was conflicted but she knew—she just knew— that he had run off again but it stung because there was no visit from him on her balcony before.

 

A few days passed, and there was no sign of him.

 

A week passed and Han and Leia were so convinced he had left for good, they didn’t even call the authorities because he was nearly eighteen. He did what he want and if running away from his problems was his choice, then it was already made. Rey could see that they were worried but after living with Ben for years, they knew if he locked himself up in his room, it was best not to knock on the door and barge in. It was just like that but on much larger scale.

 

A month passed and Rey was a broken mess because oh God, was it her that caused him to leave this small town that held so many dear memories in her heart? Was it her mess of anxious words over the phone the reason why he got up and left without a note or something because she assumed that if he was gone for this long— for a fucking month— that he would’ve at least left a few words explaining that he wanted nobody to come after him because that was life but it  _ wasn’t. _

 

It was in the month of April now and he had missed her birthday. She was finally a teenager and was all grown up— she still had ways to go and her numb chest and her numb mind didn’t even care anymore— but not even a phone call? Not even a fucking  _ card _ . There was no word from Ben Solo at all and Jesus Christ, why was she still hoping that he’d come back with open arms and she’d cry and cry because maybe he’ll come. Maybe he’ll realize his mistake and come back to his concerned parents who couldn’t function quite as well anymore without their son and come back to  _ her.  _

 

Two months counting.

 

Three months.

 

Six months now.

 

A year. A whole fucking year and Rey finally convinced himself that he probably died in a ditch because he had smoked one too many and the grief was taking him over and he just died. It was a vicious thought but with no word from him at all, no phone call and no reply to any text, no letter explaining and reassuring his loved ones that he was alright, she was just about done with him.

 

And Jesus Christ, this was one of the hardest years without him because she was ascending into high school and oh God, it was terrifying. Most of her friends had branched off with a frown, and a faked tone of sadness when they told her that they wouldn’t be going to the same school. Damn.

 

It was a difficult transition and maybe it resulted into her crying herself to sleep every night because just where could she find friends? What the hell was that damn thing they were going to dissect in a week? Why did walking to and from school seem too fucking lonely despite the fact that he’d be nineteen by now and already looking for a college he could attend.

 

The girl remembered one conversation they had shared when she asked about college and whatnot and what the hell being an adult would be like. It was during her whole phase of endless anxiety because shit, a period was too much to handle because it practically screamed at her that she growing up and she hated it but enjoyed it at the same time. She remembers his eyebrows arched high because it was such a sudden question that he hadn’t really asked himself because he didn’t believe that he would go to college but his mother sure was persistent and Han was— well he was Han about the whole thing.

 

“I don’t know. Definitely not an Ivy League one though, seems too prestigious.” He shrugged and smiled at her, hoping that satisfied her enough because damn, he didn’t really have things planned out did he? Or maybe he did and that plan was to just run away.

 

* * *

 

Rey had been asked on a date for the first time by one of the boys in her study hall period and fuck, if only she were more educated on things like this because she instantly ran home and asked her mother for help on what to do, what to wear, and what to say. His name was Christian.

 

They had been good friends and talked with one another but she hadn’t expected this and she thought he was pretty cute but God help her, she wasn’t too sure on how this ‘going out’ gig worked and she didn’t think she would know for a long while.

 

The two teenagers had agreed on watching the movie at the local cinema that barely anyone came to and he allowed her to choose which movie because he was quite the gentleman. Rey tugged at the bottom of her black skirt that her mother had matched with a striped, long sleeved, turtle neck and she didn’t exactly feel out of place— no, not at all— but she felt a sense of dread because Rey still wasn’t over  _ him  _ and this damn forsakened place brought on huge waves of nostalgia.

 

The fourteen year old had chosen The Avengers because Robert Downey Jr. was a god to her and Tony Stark’s billionaire spunk had caught her heart in an instant when he appeared on the big screen in Iron Man. The whole time she sat in her seat, she watched in amazement as this team of superheroes banded together to defeat evil and she never knew how much she wished she could be a hero and save the world until the movie cleared her eyes.

 

Maybe it was just because she wanted to save herself too.

  
To save  _ him _ even if he was long gone.


	6. the friendship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the life without him was one that was so fucking difficult and so lonely but that was life right? if something was gone for good you needed to cope with it until you adapted to it no matter how much it hurt. but along the way you could make friends who loved you just as much as you loved them and they were there for when you broke because damn him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heya!! this chapter was a little rushed because i spent like two hours on it in the morning but I think it might be one of my favorites to write since i just let my words flow. i hope you enjoy this chapter and i love all your comments and kudos!!! love you all and happy holidays!!

It was nearing the end of the year and of course, there was still no sign of Ben Solo. Another year was coming up just right around the corner and God, it would be the second year with no word. The second year of tears. The second year of Leia’s heavy heart as she came into her son’s empty room to dust, tidying it up in case her son came home.

“Leia?” Han had called out one night when he couldn’t seem to find his wife anywhere until his aged eyes set onto the ajar door of Ben’s room. He walked over quietly and peeked his head through the crack, pushing open the door to find Leia sitting on Ben’s bed.

“Sweetheart—,” Han started but oh God, Leia met his gaze and he could see the tears that had started to trickle down her cheeks as she sat in the dark room that had began to feel more and more like a burden each day.

“Do you think we should go and look for him?” She asked quietly and her deep brown eyes watched as her husband sat down next to her, a comforting hand resting on her open palm. Han looked down at her with a frown on his lips, his eyebrows furrowed because he wasn’t so sure what to do himself. This wasn’t an old junky car he could just fix with the right tools because this was his son— his son who had chose to leave them because he had grown up way too soon.

“I don’t know, sweetheart,” he replied just as softly, his voice barely above a whisper because right there and right now, it felt like such a sacred moment in their son’s old room that contained memories of bedtime stories and child’s laughter until Ben had shut them out.

“I can still feel him,” Leia stated as she rested her head against Han’s shoulder, staring at the cluttered wall with his bookshelf and desk pressed against it. The familiar image of Ben sitting at his desk, working so hard to be enough for her and Christ, she remembered peeking through his door and smiling because he was on the phone with the girl across the street, one of the only people who could make her son smile so bright. “I still know he’s out there somewhere. He isn’t—,” the mother stopped herself with a purse of her lips as her eyes shut tight, allowing salty tears to escape in a slow trickle.

“I know.”

That was all Leia needed to hear.

 

* * *

 

Rey had began to cope but it was so fucking difficult. It was like a stupid exam you studied so hard for and tried so hard on but your heart dropped when you received the damn piece of paper back that determined whether you were acing the class with no sweat or failing the class with panic. That was life for her as of now.

She still dreamed of him and woke up in a cold sweat because she swore that there was a soft tap against the glass of her balcony sliding door but it was just her imagination and God— please God, just let him come back to her and Han and Leia and his friends because they were all so worried and weren’t willing to give up.

But maybe it’s best if she did.

Rey felt as if she was completely alone during her first few weeks of freshman year because there was nobody to walk her to the hell she called school and there was nobody who could possibly climb into her room and comfort her when she broke down in an anxious mess because how the hell was she supposed to understand the basis of constructing a goddamn circle so precisely and proving shit with triangles when it felt like her whole world had been crashing down?

Her parents could easily sense their daughter’s sorrow and tried their best to comfort her and have their little girl back but they felt even more sorry for Han and Leia. They came over to visit once in a while because Mrs. Kenobi believed it was best to aid them in this time of need.

Rey sneered once she heard that because Christ, it sounded like they were talking about Ben as if he were dead.

Maybe he wasn’t but he sure as hell was to her.

But damn, no matter how much she had learned to hate him after all those years of learning to love him and grow up for him, Rey still talked about him like he was the best goddamn thing in the world.

Over the course of her first year in high school, she had met two people who listened to her and cherished her and it felt like heaven. All she ever really needed after all that chaos in her mind and heart was a friend. A boy named Finn and had been partnered up with her for a science project and he was the most hilarious guy she had ever known. He made her throw her head back in that laughters of hers that she claimed sounded like a hyena but Finn would sigh with a shake of his head, convincing her that it did not and it sounded more so like a witch cackling.

That made her fall off of her bed in side-aching giggles.

The other friend she had made and held dear to her heart was Poe. Poe was one of Finn’s closest friends and Rey could practically read Finn’s mind just by the look of his eyes whenever he looked at Poe.

It was the same way she had looked at Ben a few years ago and she smiled— she smiled so wide because Finn deserved Poe and Poe deserved Finn. They hadn’t made anything official but whenever they caught each other’s gaze, Rey could see the sparks bouncing off of them and she usually had to pull them apart before they could become a heap of laughing, kissing, and smiling limbs.

They had become her home when her home had left her. They had become her happiness when her own had abandoned her. They had become her everything when Ben had got up and ran.

One afternoon, they had just came back from school to find comfort and air conditioning in Rey’s home, where they were a hot mess of sweat and fatigue because Coach Clayton just had to force them to make up their missed mile runs because they had spent the whole day laughing in the janitors closet because of some stupid meme on Poe’s phone.

“I’m beat,” Finn groaned as he threw his backpack into the corner of Rey’s room and she scowled when the navy blue bag nearly hit her bookshelf filled with the precious stories she had read at least twice and kept so close to her heart.

“You guys thought that was hard? Try doing it again after having to run how many goddamn miles during practice,” Poe said as he waltzed into the room with a sheen of sweat on his brow. His father had forced him to play for the football team— go Wildcats!— when all the boy really wanted to do was go into robotics club and one day, build his own little droid and treat it like a pet.

When he had told Rey that specifically, she stared at him for a few good seconds because he looked so happy and alive and passionate but a droid? What if it took over the world and lead to the destruction of mankind with other little droids behind him?

She hadn’t noticed she had said that all outloud until Poe looked at her with a blank expression, claiming she read too many books to come up with shit like that.

Finn was observing the wall that had her daybed pressed up against it and fingered the tiny polaroid pictures she had taken years ago. Rey realized she still didn’t have a picture of them all together and made sure to get one when they weren’t a sweaty mess. “Who’s this?” Her friend asked with genuine curiosity as his index finger pointed at a picture of Ben and herself laughing while sharing a large M&M McFlurry— even though Ben claimed oreo was better— and her heart felt heavy all over again.

“That’s uhm— Ben,” she said softly and by the tone of her voice, Finn looked over to her at concern. Poe raised his hand to gently lay it on her shoulder, sharing the same expression as Finn.

“The one who was rumored to have left the town?” Gee, their hometown sure was small because news had come around fast after there was no sign of Ben for a week. “When he was like what? Seventeen?” Poe glanced at Finn carefully because it would’ve been better if they just zipped their mouths shut and left the topic but you know, curiosity killed the cat.

“Yeah. It’s true though. He did,” Rey admitted and gave them a strained smile that was oh-so-half-hearted, it was as clear as day. “He was my best friend.”

“Oh I see, I’m sorry,” Finn had said and they had slipped into an awkward yet comfortable silence as they looked at each other, a grin easing onto Rey’s face and Poe arched his eyebrows in confusion because wasn’t she just wallowing in her own sorrows a few seconds ago?

“Would you like to hear about him?” The young girl asked because it felt like that was what was best for her. Over the year that passed by ever since Ben left, Rey felt utterly stuck because… well, because there was nobody really around that she could talk to about him. She wanted to talk about how his eyes lit up and they crinkled at the corners whenever he laughed because of something funny she had did or said, she wanted to go on about how deep his voice had become and it scared her because Ben had started to sound like the Beast from her favorite Disney princess movie, she longed to talk about how she felt for him and finally— finally she was with people where she could do just that.

Rey’s mouth had opened and a flurry of words left her glossed lips because this was what she needed to help cope and understand. Talking about him like there was no tomorrow so she could hate him for the rest of her life because damn him, right? Damn him for leaving her behind and damn him for leaving his parents guilt ridden because they thought they hadn’t raised him right or that it was all their fault but it wasn’t.

And they had listened. Finn and Poe sat by side on the ground as she sat in her purple bean bag chair, listening to her like she was telling a story because she was. She was telling the story of Ben Solo when he was with her. The story of how she had fallen in love and willed herself to grow a little taller, grow a little wiser, and grow a little more for him but God, she threw it all away when he left.

And when she was finally done with salty tears sneaking onto her lips and against her tongue in a satisfying yet hateful taste because she had began to cry, it felt like a weight had been lifted off of chest. Rey wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand, the tears transferring over to her knuckles as Finn and Poe stood up to sit beside her, hugging her and squeezing her to death because they hated seeing her like this. They had began to feel a deep anger within them as they listened intently because who could ever leave a girl like Rey Kenobi?

 

* * *

 

Another year had gone by filled with laughter, joy, and tears all from her friends and family and God, it was still so difficult without him but it had began to become easier and she was beginning to calm down because maybe he wasn’t really going to come back. Rey knew she had to keep that possibility in her head at all times whenever something reminded her of him so strongly that she could cry but she wouldn’t because damn him.

Finn and Poe had invited her to brunch down at the new little cafe that had opened just a few blocks away. Rey was just about out the door of her home until her mother’s hand laid on her shoulder, causing Rey to turn and ask what was up.

A sad smile was imprinted onto her mother’s face but Mrs. Kenobi was happy for her little girl, she was delighted that Finn and Poe had come into her daughter’s life to mend her sore heart. Rey drew her eyebrows together and her mother handed her an envelope, claiming that it was for her.

Rey gave her mother a quick smile and kissed her cheek hastily, saying a short thank you and ‘love you!’ because she couldn’t open it there. She would open it in front of the two boys that loved her dearly like a sister in case she broke down in ugly tears because shit— it was from him.

So here she was, sitting across from Finn and Poe seated on her right at the round, wooden table they had been seated at as they waited for their food. Rey pulled out the letter from her purse and they looked at her as if they already knew. Her dainty fingers tore at the envelope seal carefully and pulled out a sheet of paper, folded so carefully and clean that she could laugh because that was so him. Rey unfolded the sheet of paper slowly because she was scared that once she opened it, it would burn into ash before she could read whatever that stupid mind of his wrote.

A short gasp left her lips and anger seized her but relief overtook it and she was just a mess of emotions now and— and damn him, damn him so fucking bad.

Poe picked up the piece of paper from where she had set it on the table, trying to regain her breath and he read it softly, a whisper caught in his throat but he managed to say it outloud for Finn to hear.

“‘I’m okay.’” Poe read and Rey could hear Ben’s voice like it was a record playing on repeat in her head. “‘But I’ll come back.’” His words were so plain and simple but that was all she needed to loathe him. That was all she needed to loathe him yet love him so fiercely because he had the nerve to leave and for so goddamn long until he finally wrote a letter, stating he’d come back but when? When would he finally show up again into her life and have everything around her crash down?

It made her hate him even more with so much passion that she could burst.

* * *

 

The three incredibly immature sophomores were in a fit of laughter in one of McDonald’s booths upstairs as they tried not to choke on their chicken nuggets and fries. Finn was explaining how Mrs. Wilhurst had fallen asleep in the middle of her lesson on the history of how their “great nation” came to be. The students assumed she would wake up in a few minutes because this usually happened on rare occasion but God, she had slept through the whole class, snoring away as they tried to keep quiet because nobody really wanted to learn about the history of the United States at their age. It was utterly boring.

And suddenly, Rey had felt the overwhelming sense to cry because she loved these two boys with all of her heart and she realized that they were growing. They were growing up into become even more immature adults even if they had two more years to go, it was such a sense of passion and sadness yet full of joy because soon enough they’d be walking graduation with a cap and gown and smiling because they did it. Clearly, Rey was one who liked to jump ahead and think of the future until it made her cry like a baby with either delight or sorrow. These were her boys. Her boys who were in love with each other and she wasn’t the only one who could see it on their faces. Her boys who had stuck by her like glue in her times of need and she had done just the same with them.

That following month, Poe’s grandfather had passed away and he was a wreck because his papa was everything to him. He taught him everything he knew about the intriguing world of robotics and science and engineering and Jesus Christ, it hurt so bad but Rey and Finn were there and they loved him just as fiercely as he loved them.

They were nearly inseparable and that made Rey grin so wide her cheeks hurt and her dimples stood out against her lightly tanned skin.

Although, there was one boy who she wished was sitting beside her as Poe sat beside Finn in that secret love of theirs that was so obvious it couldn’t even be a secret. That boy that she loved so much yet hated with a deep passion and her blood boiled every time she thought of him but her heart also fluttered with despair and longing.

But that was alright.

Because the second he’d show up, she’d slap the living daylights outta him because how dare he be so selfish with himself and leave everything behind to have them worry and cry and have his mother and father sit in his empty room because they missed their little boy even if he wasn’t so little anymore.

Rey occasionally thought about him and visualized what he would look like now. She was sure that he still kept his hair just above his shoulders and she was so sure that his wardrobe mainly contained the dark colors of the rainbow because he had to be emo like that. The thought made her laugh and cry at the same time because she was sure she knew everything about him until he had left. God, she wondered if he ever asked himself what Rey looked like as she grew and matured and became a woman that could kick ass because he’s experienced her anger and fierceness firsthand, it was a force to be reckoned with and Jesus Christ, did it hurt.

 

* * *

 

And he did. He stared up at the unfamiliar ceiling in his Uncle Luke’s home way out in the middle of nowhere and he had wondered if he just walked into a serial killer’s trap but once Ben caught sight of the old man’s face, he instantly knew it was his Uncle Luke his mother talked so much about.

He was 20 years old now and it didn’t feel very different than when he was seventeen, possibly because he didn’t experience much of it hanging out with friends or being a mindless kid. He spent it on running away and arguing and loving but it had all caused him to get up and leave it all. It was confusing but he felt like he was so sure of his decision until he was a few good miles away from home but there was no turning back now.

Ben would come and go from his Uncle’s house to do God knows what and just adventure out with that old rusty car of his that Luke instantly knew was Han’s doing and choice. But he always came back for some food and a place to sleep because his mind still longed for a cozy bed under a roof but nothing was the same as his dark blue walls and popcorn ceiling with the sense of familiarity because that was his home. This wasn’t.

But home wasn’t the place he wished to be as of now.

However, there were times where the young man got into dirty business because sometimes cigarettes weren’t enough and he needed something else to cope with the chaos inside his brain. Ben wasn’t sure if he regretted it until he came back every so often to beg for something that would keep him in his high and out of his regrets and thoughts that caved in every night. But God, when Uncle Luke had found out, all hell had broke loose and he didn’t let Ben leave his sight for a good month or so.

Pft, it was like he grounded him.

That month he spent under his Uncle’s roof and on the inflatable mattress in the living room caused him to remember the girl that grew up with him and the girl who invaded his thoughts most nights because he regretted not saying anything to her on the phone last night besides a simple ‘I know’. But he remembered the story his mother had told him of the first time she proclaimed her love for his father and the same phrase had left his lips in nervous jitters because what the hell was Han supposed to say to this woman he loved so much when he thought he was no good for her? Yet apparently he was because Ben was the living proof of it.

  
He knew she was fifteen now and he knew he missed three of her birthdays and it made him ache like crazy that he could burst. But he’d come back. He’d come back one day to her and his mother and his father because he always would.

Ben just needed to be put for a few moments.

Or maybe a few years.

 


	7. the call to home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's all his fault and thats why she's learned to hate him so much, it's his fault for her unhappy endings but it's also hers.
> 
> it's the friendship she's created that she calls home and it's the love between them that makes her smile so wide just like she did before with him.
> 
> it's the drugs that kept him from destroying himself until his uncle saved him but it wasn't enough.
> 
> it's the pull to home that makes him want to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! happy holidays or if you don't celebrate anything, happy monday (even though i hate mondays) here's another chapter and i hope im not annoying you with prolonging the story and such, i just felt like it was necessary to get you familiar with the characters and their thoughts before i bring in the huge ass angst and stuff ;)
> 
> anyway enjoy again and leave your thoughts in the comments!!

She’s fifteen years old and she’s blossoming into something extraordinary with a little kick in her. The many years were spent on her slowly and slowly reaching the height of 5’7” which in her defense, was a lot taller than most girls in her grade and suddenly she felt like it was abnormal. 

 

Then her thoughts drifted off to him and his stupid nickname that he gave her when she was merely a child, and scowled. He wouldn’t be able to call her that ridiculous pet name because  _ finally  _ she had grown but it didn’t feel the same ever since.

 

Her mother wasn’t the only one to watch her grow into something beautiful and to grow into a women. Her father teared up one morning when Rey had kissed his cheek in a farewell when she was off to school, she had looked at him horrified because had she done something wrong?

 

“No, darling, it’s just you’re so big now,” A loud chuckle escaped her father’s lips that she shared and her face tightened into a grin. Her arms wrapped around her father’s shoulders and she pressed her head against his, hopefully comforting him in some way because she had never seen her dad cry. Never.

 

“Awh don’t worry, dad. I’m still your little girl.” And then she was off through the front door with a soft creak of the door that made her ears wince. Her dad knew he had to fix the hinges but always seemed to put it off until the next day which turned into the next.

 

When she walked over to Finn and Poe, they spotted her and gave her the friendliest smiles she could ever think of. Rey hugged both of them and Poe stared at her in bewilderment. The young girl looked up at him with her eyebrows knit together in confusion because what in the hell was he staring at? Did she have some leftover egg on her face?

 

Jesus Christ, what was up with people today?

 

“Did you have a growth spurt or something, Biscuit?” Poe asked and nudged Finn’s arm with his shoulder. “Finn, stand next to Rey— I gotta see this.” Finn followed Poe’s instructions with his own look of puzzlement on his face because he hadn’t really noticed a difference until Rey was now up to the bridge of his nose but he  _ swore  _ just last week she was up to his chin.

 

Rey shrugged and grinned, clearly amused with the overreaction from her boys. She shoved them gently from their backs as the bell rung, earning groans from all three of the immature adolescents because nobody really wanted to go to school to learn.

 

“I’ll see you guys in third period,” The fifteen year old girl stated as she ran off towards her class that was all the way on the other side of the campus. Damn.

 

The changes that came with growing up hadn’t only affected the people around her. But it also seemed to affect the number of young boys— which had been zero if her child-like mind was simply overreading things when  _ he  _ was with her— willing to sweep her off of her feet. It was strange in a way. Rey didn’t have much experience with going out on dates simply because she didn’t need another boy in her life to break her heart because she knew that it was an automatic feature of giving somebody your love and showing them your vulnerable side. She should know.

 

The only thing that came close to a relationship for Rey was the sweet boy who had asked her out on a date when they went to the movies to watch The Avengers last year. Her date had noticed her uneasiness and distance from the world when he had to call her name five times because thoughts of the boy across the street began to invade her mind as she sat in the booth of the local pizzeria.

 

“Rey?” Her date, Christian, had asked in concern as his eyebrows drew themselves together because was Rey unhappy with her food? Did she not like him at all? He crossed his arms and laid back in his own seat, watching as she finally came back to Earth and whipped her head up with her hazel eyes wide.

 

“Huh? Oh god, I’m sorry— I just keep… zoning out,” Rey replied sheepishly as her hand came up to tuck a non-existent strand of hair behind her ear as she cleared her throat. She couldn’t meet Christian’s eyes as he looked at her, observing her and trying to read her because he knew himself that Rey wasn’t normally like this. She wasn’t distant and unresponsive in class. It caused him to frown and Rey was instantly concerned because God, this wasn’t going well.

 

“You’re thinking about Ben.” His words shocked Rey and she finally looked up at him to meet his gaze that didn’t hold an ounce of anger, thank the Lord, but unfortunately held a look of disappointment because this was supposed to be  _ their  _ date. Rey’s mouth opened to protest and tell him no, she wasn’t and this date was perfect but she was. She was thinking about him. She was asking herself whether he would’ve taken her to see it or if he saw it wherever the hell he was? “Relax Rey, I understand.”

 

And Jesus Christ, she could nearly cry once Christian gave her a half-hearted but genuine smile and she remembered thinking it was beautiful but not like  _ his.  _ Rey had felt her heart fall once Christian stood up from his seat, leaving some money on the table and his lips pressed to her forehead. He really liked her didn’t he? Rey hated herself for not being able to let a single word leave her lips when Christian bid her a farewell and walked out the door.

 

That was when she had began to hate Ben. She began to feel a sudden rage of anger because he had imprinted himself so deeply in her that she couldn’t enjoy life and only broke the hearts of boys that thought they had a chance but they didn’t because of  _ him.  _ Christian only knew where Rey’s mind had been as she stared down at her half-eaten pizza because he had seen the way Rey would look at Ben before. He had seen the way she acted around him. He had heard the way she spoke of him. It was the same way Christian looked and spoke of her.

 

But it was alright. He understood. It was difficult to get over somebody as quick as they left because he knew himself. He really did.

 

It was why he would try again in a few more years but God, he had horrible timing.

 

 

* * *

 

Anyway,

 

Rey had just gotten home from a dinner she hesitantly agreed to with a boy from her Spanish class. It had went well until he took a phone call hastily—  _ too  _ hastily— with the caller name ID of Victoria and she knew that it wasn’t something real. He had been so occupied on the phone that she got up and left because she wasn’t stupid. Rey wouldn’t fall for a flyboy like that and she laughed in the car when Finn picked her up because she wasn’t even mad. It was all too hilarious and her friend looked at her like she was delirious.

 

Instead of going home, she tagged along with Finn to Poe’s house because her heart tugged when she realized they hadn’t been able to hang out as much as they used to before because you know, high school had been a bitch.

 

They knocked their secret little knock, which was really just a quick three taps,against Poe’s bedroom door and they found him messy haired like he had just woken up from a nap but who could blame him? He was exhausted from his newfound project of trying to build his own drone that could snap a few pictures from the sky because you know, better angles right? The young man wiped his eyes and blinked multiple times before coming to the fact that his two best friends were standing in front of him.

 

“Oh hey guys, come in,” he drawled out with a yawn and the two teenagers walked in behind him. Rey smacked Poe upside the head before Finn slapped him on the ass with a cheeky wink and God, Rey could barf but laugh because they were happy. That was the only thing that mattered to her right now. Her thoughts had grown up along with her.

 

“So,” Finn stated and he laid down in Poe’s bed with his arms crossed behind his head as if this was his own home too. It practically was considering how often he visited just to have Mama Dameron’s cooking which was  _ heavenly.  _ “Rey just came from a date.”

 

Poe’s eyebrows arched up in surprise because didn’t she just say she was done with boys last week? Eh, who knew what happened with girls. “Really? How’d it go?” The thing Rey loved about her two boys was that Finn seemed to be much more defensive and protective like an older brother would. Poe was the laid back one who would most definitely sneak her cookie and let her sneak out at night. It was an amusing dynamic between the two.

 

Rey shrugged and pursed her lips and oh God, Finn sat up and his eyebrows came together in the way that had her knowing he was about to interrogate her like a goddamn dad would. He had seen her laughing in the car once she came out from the pizzeria but he only suspected it was because it had gone well.

 

Yeah, that wasn’t the case.

 

The fifteen year old girl cleared her throat as she took off her sandals and looked up at the two boys, staring at her with a look that asked if they needed to murder anyone. Oh dear. “His girlfriend called,” she replied bluntly with a blank expression and Finn nearly yelled a curse out loud in hysterics because who the hell asked somebody on a date when they already had somebody to love? Well, he knew a few good people but still?

 

Poe stood up from his desk chair and shook his head with a  _ tsk tsk  _ that reminded Rey of Mama Dameron and damn, he really did look like his mother with that curly hair and intimidating eyes of his. “What’s his name again? I’ll beat his ass tomorrow.” Rey rolled her eyes as Finn agreed and they began to talk of the various ways they could punish the poor boy. And Christ, she began to laugh because it was all so hilarious to her and she swore that she could’ve started to cry because they cared so much and it filled her heart with love.

 

“I love you guys,” Rey said softly and gave them a grin so wide, her cheeks hurt but the joy in her heart numbed the pain from everything. The pain from her heartbreak that could only be fixed with time, the pain from seeing Han and Leia slowly break away and break down because their son wasn’t going to come back any time soon, the pain from realizing that growing up was even more difficult than she realized.

 

Finn and Poe stopped their conversation— which had cause them to be merely inches apart from one another— to look at their sister-like-figure sitting on Poe’s bed with tears welling up in her eyes and a huge ass grin on her face that you couldn’t even slap it off if you tried. Poe glanced at Finn and they met gazes, smiling just as wide and coming over to hug Rey because they knew. They knew what she was thinking because it had been a slow year and good months but it was filled with laughter and love from them because it was what she needed after her heartbreak.

 

The one person who could read her so well, make her smile so wide she wanted to cry from the slight pain, and have her laughing so hard that her sides ached, had left her. Finn and Poe had started to become her home.

 

And Ben was like the house you kept passing by multiple times just because it was the one you truly wanted to have.

 

* * *

 

He was a mess.

  
Like, an utterly disastrous mess.

 

He thought that you know, maybe only a few times of getting high was enough and it would be done. He’d be alright and oh-so-joyful like most dealers advertised but he knew it was only so they’d have their customers coming back for more.

 

And God, he was so glad that Uncle Luke stopped him when he could because he’d be in a shitty place right now and Jesus Christ, he had been on the edge of addiction and it was all so familiar because he too had been addicted to something before.

 

Destruction.

 

It sounded so overdramatic and “deep” to him but it was true if he thought about it enough. Ben hated the arguments that sparked between him and his parents but he was always the one to start it even if they had just apologized the day before. It was him who picked and prodded at their mistakes just so he could yell at them in a fit of anger because it was an  _ excuse  _ to let him vent out in the most chaotic way.

 

But he’ll be good. He will be. He’ll love his parents and everything around him the way he should but he couldn’t right now and it terrified him. Ben believed something was so messed up with him in the head but truly, it was just the thoughts that he created himself and he let them invade his late night thoughts. Maybe a getaway wasn’t something that would help and it was stupid of him to even think that at the mere age of seventeen.

 

So he would return. He would and he promised even if he hadn’t bluntly stated it because he needed to grow up first before he could love the way he wished to love.

 

To love his parents. To love his life. And to love her.

 

* * *

 

The daily routine of Luke Skywalker wasn’t one you’d wished to watch because it was completely uneventful unless you liked to see a middle aged man go to the store everyday that was a few miles out since he lived in the middle of fucking nowhere and lounge at home while watching the News.

 

One day, Ben had been sitting down on the couch while his Uncle sat in the sofa chair, his eyes following the flickering images on the screen as headlines flew by. Ben cleared his throat and sat up.

 

“What happened to you?” He asked so bluntly that Luke turned to him with an expression of shock but it went away as quick as it came.

 

“What?” Luke asked his nephew with bewilderment because did he do something wrong? He had forgotten that his nephew was with him due to the fact he had been coming and going but he knew Leia would be furious if he didn’t take care of her son.

 

“My mom talked about you as if you were some hero. Were you? I mean look at you now.” Ben said with a shrug of his shoulders. It was true. His mother spoke so highly of her twin brother and he admits that he was a little excited to see his Uncle again after so long but it was very… anti-climatic.

 

“I like to think that I was, Kid. But who knows?” Luke replied and he sounded so philosophical that Ben wanted to groan out loud. God, he wasn’t going to be able to last another day with his Uncle but he seemed to grow used to the weird fish oil scent and strange blue liquid that Luke claimed was milk in the refrigerator. It made Ben cringe with distaste inwardly because he had tasted it out of curiosity and nearly puked right then and there in the small yet cozy kitchen.

 

The twenty year old was so lost in his thoughts until his Uncle opened his mouth with a question that had Ben thinking about something else. He couldn’t answer because— well, he didn’t know the answer himself.

 

“When are you going home, Kid?” Luke asked he glanced at his conflicted nephew sideways and he remembered seeing the dark haired man at his front door, instantly recognizing his sister’s eyes and Han’s smug smirk, realizing that his nephew had came out of the blue but he let him in anyways. He was sorta like an old man who yelled at you to get off of his lawn because time altered him from the young man who supposedly made a difference in the world which deemed him a hero.

 

Ben sighed and leaned back, closing his eyes and inhaling sharply because it was the same question he’d ask himself over the course of the years but he would finally know the answer in about a year or so.

 

“I don’t know, Uncle.”

 

* * *

 

The difficult thing that came with running away from all your damn problems was the pull to home. The pull to those same very problems that he probably caused most of the time and God, he didn’t know whether or not to press accept or decline the various calls he received but Jesus Christ, it was hard. Especially when Rey’s name would pop up on his phone every so often.

 

She used to call him everyday when he first left and it was hard not to accept her call and press the phone against his ear to apologize and hear her voice again and  _ oh God.  _ He felt like he just ruined everything with her and within her because he caught her gazes of longing and he had no idea to react because was he even worth her love and attention? Not so much.

 

Would she yell at him on the phone for leaving? Would she breakdown crying because she knew he wasn’t dead in a ditch somewhere? Would she be happy because it meant he was still somewhere in the world and he was only a good eight hour drive away in the same state? Ben couldn’t answer so he threw his head down, covering his eyes as the vibrations of his phone haunted him every night until they stopped. They stopped and he suddenly felt broken deep inside because she had given up, didn’t she?

 

She hadn’t. Thank God. But her calls became more and more rare and occasional and he could’ve picked them up and answered and  _ apologized  _ to her but his mind created games and there was a person who seemed to distort whatever he thought. It had been the very same man who gave him what he needed to leave reality and become high in his thoughts.

 

His name was Snoke. Ben saw him as his savior but he was grateful that Uncle Luke sensed something was wrong or else he’d be off on the streets, a living crackhead amongst other horrors of altered reality.

 

Anyway.

 

Whenever Rey called, his head would snap up in surprise because his parents had eventually stopped calling but he listened to every voicemail in an act of weakness because he missed them. God, he really missed them that his heart ached at the sight of a happy family he had spotted at the grocery store when Uncle Luke sent him to buy some ingredients for dinner.

 

“Mama, can we get Oreos?” The little boy had asked his mother from where he was sitting inside the cart, just like Ben did and he didn’t care if other people deemed it dangerous because he enjoyed it like a little kid should.

 

The mother had shook her head and the boy frowned, little tears welling up in his eyes because he was a child and that’s what a child would do if they didn’t get what they wanted. It was funny to Ben. As he grew up, he watched as his friends claimed they didn’t want whatever they truly did want. It was annoying and made him laugh but he realized he did that himself and God, it was really an eye-opener huh?

 

Then he watched as the mother gave up and pick a pack of sweet cookies from the shelf and Ben smiled— he  _ smiled  _ and it felt good to stretch out his face from the usual scowl he wore to hide himself— when the little boy clapped his hands in cheer and told him mama that he loved her so so much. Then a man who he assumed was the father, popped up from the next aisle over and frowned playfully.

 

“What about me, Sport? Don’tcha love me too?” And they laughed and laughed and Ben’s smile widened.

 

He almost called his mother that night to apologize for everything but he just couldn’t.

 

* * *

 

There was one night where Ben was so sure there was something in his Uncle’s light blue beverage because his mind must’ve been playing goddamn tricks on him and betraying everything he had built up for himself when he was having a late-night stroll to clear his head.

 

A lit cigarette in his hand and a song he had been listening to a few minutes before playing in his head, he walked down the dimly lit pavement of the forsaken area that was honestly the definition of nowhere. He’d only seen a few people around his Uncle’s neighborhood, which wasn’t even really a neighborhood if you count three houses as one, besides when he’d drive out an hour or so to get groceries.

 

And his eyes had flickered to a young girl who was walking down the other side of the road and he  _ swore  _ that it was her. Rey. His Rey.

 

Jesus.

 

Ben had to stop himself from running across the road and grabbing the young woman’s arm because his eyes finally adjusted to the dark that settled over due to the sun setting in the distance. He realized that it wasn’t her but the frame of her body, the way she walked and carried herself, the way her hair flowed down her back in slightly wavy locks, the way her face seemed to present themselves when you glanced at her features from the corner of your eye, it was all so familiar to the girl he had grown up with across the street and it hurt. It hurt his heart and struck something in him because he knew that he needed to go home. He wanted to see her. He  _ needed  _ to see her.

 

But through that thick skull of his, he didn’t quite realize it enough until a year later.

  
_ Dumbass _ .


	8. the homecoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> days that seem perfect should be a sign of chaos bounding down the steps into your life and crushing you because it was just fucking like that. he was back and she could scream or cry in anger as she stared at him, taller than ever. this was it. this was the day she had anticipated for and shit, did she hate it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER TOOK SO LONG TO WRITE!! ahh but it was such a delight to write, i was a little stuck but some ideas ad motivation from a good friend on tumblr allowed me to let my words flow out into something beautiful (i hope), i'm looking at you medievalangel ;)
> 
> anyway, i hope you guys enjoy this chapter and leave your thoughts on this boy's complicated return home!! :D

She’s sixteen now and budding into something even more beautiful than she was before. It’s what her mother says when she asked— more so forced— Rey to try on her old dress that she loved because her prom was right around the corner and her mother wanted it to be perfect.

 

“Mom, I don’t think the dress really suits me,” Rey remarked with a short gasp of breath as her mother tugged on the ribbon from the back, lessening Rey’s room to breathe in the damn thing. It was gorgeous, it truly was. The dress was a simple lilac color with ruffles blooming into light purple flowers, a ribbon tied around Rey’s waist was merely a shade darker and it ended with a large bow in the back right at her tailbone. But it wasn’t her.

 

“Sure it does, sweetheart. You just need to look at it from different angles!” Her mother attempted to reassure her as she adjusted her daughter’s lithe frame to display her backside towards the full-length mirror in the master bedroom. Rey pursed her lips and her forehead creased as she frowned. The bow in the back wasn’t something she’d wear. At all.

 

Mrs. Kenobi noticed her daughter’s expression and sighed. “Alright alright, how about you go ask Leia if she could go dress shopping with you? I have to get to work in a few minutes.” Rey’s eyes brightened at her mother’s words because oh God, she was not going to experience her Junior prom in that horrid thing.

 

“Thank you, mother.” The teenager replied cheerfully in a sing-song voice as she hastily took off the article of clothing. It was obvious the dress was a few years aged from when her mother wore it herself simply because the zipper wouldn’t budge and damn, she nearly ripped the little metal demon off of the dress.

 

The whole reason Rey was so ecstatic about the events held next week was because it was her first time ever going to the large dance the school held that was usually hyped up about. She never saw a reason to go but Finn and Poe convinced her to come with them even if she was going to end up as a disastrous third wheel, but they were persistent and gave her those stupid puppy eyes of theirs until she threw her hands up in surrender because, y’know, damn it. She didn’t have a date but that was quite alright, she wanted to merely spend time with her two best friends ‘till they’ll be making out in a dark corner because the staff supervisors sucked when it came to events like this.

 

Rey had heard that somebody was able to spike the punch at Homecoming last year right in front of Ms. Carson because the middle aged woman had been so occupied on her phone rather than scanning the crowd for horny, sweaty, grinding kids so she could pull them apart and educate them on pregnancy and yadayadayada.

 

Horrible, huh?

 

Anyway, it was surprisingly a bright Saturday morning unlike the usual cloudy days that seemed to pass by their small town. It felt pleasing and made her smile because she was a girl who could easily be affected by her surroundings and she paid no mind to that, it was her and who she grew up as. It was Rey Kenobi and that was everything she would want to be. Her navy blue flats tapped against the pavement as she crossed over the empty street that merely occupied a handful of cars and some leftover bikes from the children who had been playing outside earlier. She made her way through the front yard of the Solo’s and came to the wooden front door that was aged just like their owners.

 

Han and Leia were doing a lot better ever since Ben had left. Rey herself had nearly forgotten of the young man’s existence because he was what broke her. He was the one who made it impossible to love anybody else but him and she hated it— just as much as she hated him with every fiber of her being. He had left and it was his choice. She had hated him and it was her choice. Plain and simple. However, she visited the Solo’s often and would catch Leia looking longingly at the photos hung up on the walls or placed on shelves of the happy family they attempted to build. Rey would glance at the older woman with a smile filled with sorrow as she wrapped her arms around Leia, comforting her with silence because she understood.

 

Leia, too, would comfort Rey as the young girl fingered the tiny figurines on Ben’s shelf in his room. She had observed the young girl for many years and she smiled that smile of hers that showed she knew something that others didn’t. Leia could easily sense the love that Rey held for her son because it was the same love she held for Han. She must’ve looked like that all those years ago whenever somebody mentioned his name or if the damn man was in the same room as her, looking at her with smuggling smirk of his that showed he was up to no good. But she could also sense the same loneliness and despair in Rey after Ben had left. God, it felt like they thought of him as if he were dead. Gone— no longer  _ alive.  _ But that was the exact same feeling he left Rey and his parents in because he thought he had failed  _ them. _

 

Maybe they were the ones who failed him.

 

Rey left her daze as she inhaled the sweet scent of Leia’s signature cinnamon buns simply through the front door of their residence and she grinned wider, believing that maybe today would be a perfect day. But not everything was so perfect, right? She could at least hope. The weather was nice enough and gave mercy to her cracked skin from the dryness of the air, it was possible she would ask Finn and Poe to drive out to the beach with her today if the sun was still graceful enough to stay out instead of hide behind gray clouds.

 

Her knuckles rapped against the wooden surface of the home’s front door and she heard a gentle voice announcing they were coming to let her in. The familiar voice of Leia was met with the opening of the Solo’s door and Rey smiled warmly, not letting the chance to see Leia’s mouth open so she could protest and warn her that maybe she shouldn’t come in right now.

 

“Rey—,” Leia spoke out quickly but not fast enough as the sixteen year old met the sight of those deep, brooding, eyes that left her in nervous jitters and made her heart flutter whenever they lit up as their owner smiled.

 

Sitting there on the wooden stool, a delectable treat that his mother had baked in his hand, was her fucking nightmare.

 

“You’re back,” she breathed out softly because she needed to pinch herself. With a hushed hiss from the sharp pain against her skin, she blinked and realized that this wasn’t merely a dream. He was here. He was in the flesh. He was actually  _ alive. _

 

The young man stood up and rubbed the palm of his hands against the material of his jeans in an anxious matter. He couldn’t quite read her hazel orbs no longer due to the fact she had built a defense just against him. Just to get him out of her head. Just so he couldn’t know what her very emotions or thoughts were. Ben cleared his throat as he looked at her. He looked at her and he, too, had built something inside of him because Rey couldn’t possibly look through that blank expression of his like she had before.

 

“Where were you?” Her voice trembled and suddenly, she was walking closer to him in long strides but he stood there. He stood there and watched her as she grew furious by the second and he couldn’t wait. He couldn’t wait for the sharp pain that would make him hiss from the quick slap of her hand against his freckled cheeks.But there was nothing. “You didn’t call, you didn’t text, you only wrote me a goddamn letter with barely anything on it!” Rey’s tone had grown in volume and Leia walked over to pull her back, she hated seeing the two fight ever since they were small children who fought over what movie they should watch. She could tell that things would easily get out of hand.

 

Ben glanced at his mother as she inched forward, and God, it was like her motherly instincts understood even when Rey simply couldn’t read those eyes of his— because the older woman slipped out the front door with a strained expression directed towards her son. She had forseen this interaction between the two no matter how much it disappointed her. Leia hoped that one day her son would come back and she’d welcome him in with open arms until he explained himself. The mother knew that the girl across the street would be furious with rage because she had a strong connection with her son too and the disappearance of him affected her the same way it affected Han and Leia. However, the booming voice of Rey could be heard through the front door and she sighed. It was going to be a long while until her son would be forgiven.

 

“You get up and leave and I thought— Jesus Christ, I thought you’d come back! Y’know? Come back because you always did whenever you ran away but it’s been four fucking years, Ben.” Her temper that she could only guess came from the young man standing across from her was bursting through the seams of herself and she couldn’t help it. Rey found pleasure in watching his stark expression of nothing take in her vicious words because they were finally face to face and it was as if she had been rehearsing this everyday in her mind in case he showed up out of the blue.

 

And he did.

 

“Rey,” Ben started and God, his voice was so deep that she could cry, he had changed so much. Rey counted the years and the man before her was practically already an adult. She wondered herself what he had done all those four years of being away and torturing the people who loved him indirectly because he had just got up and  _ left,  _ damn it. Just the way he said her name made her heart pound in rage and and the utter feeling of butterflies tickle her stomach, the same feeling he left her with whenever he gave her a wide grin or brushed his skin against hers all those years ago.

 

“I hate you, y’know that?” She interrupted and oh his face, his face turned into an expression of shock and his eyes were suddenly pools of emotion that she could look into and realize that her words had some kind of effect on him. “I’ve learned to loathe you everyday you were gone.” Her voice had fallen quiet but she kept her gaze on his own, watching her intently because his expression had once again turned blank to hide just how vulnerable he was.

 

“Goodbye, Ben.” She stated plainly with a sneer caught in her throat after his uneasy silence. Nothing came out from him. No protest. No apology. No words. Just absolute silence. He was frozen, not with fear but with anything other than that. Pride. Anger. Disappointment. But mostly… shocked. His eyes watched closely as she turned away, a look of disgust on her face and damn, it was towards him wasn’t it? Then she walked out the door like he walked out of her life.

 

She was all grown up and everything he had expected.

 

Beautiful.

 

And that was that.

 

* * *

 

_ How dare he?  _ The young girl thought as she stormed out of the Solo’s residence where she had just stumbled upon the boy who used to live there. It shouldn’t have been unexpected but it was. He hadn’t shown his face in four years and hadn’t spoken a word to her besides that letter he sent with only a goddamn sentence.

 

Rey didn’t cry like she thought she would when they reunited. She believed she would’ve cried and all her hatred for him and her anger would have simply vanished in a second but it didn’t. All her vexation was still bubbling inside her and it felt  _ good.  _ She found amusement and genuine enjoyment as she observed Ben’s expression turn into one of surprise and she could’ve swore— disappointment.

 

Not in her though, no.

 

In himself.

 

She scoffed to herself as she sat on the curb outside of her own home, her thoughts a hot mess because his presence alone had some horrible effect on her and her mind. Every time he looked into her eyes to attempt to understand her anger and utter sorrow from the times he wasn’t there, a shiver passed through her spine like she saw a ghost.

 

She did see a ghost.

 

Ben had seemed even more starkly pale than usual and his hair had grown a bit longer and shaggier rather than curly. God, what did he do when he was gone? Where had he gone? It irked her as she thought about the whole different types of possibilities. Murder? Crime? Jesus, she’d need to remind herself that this was reality. It wasn’t one of her thick books she always had her nose stuck in no matter how much she wished it were. Then there’d be a happily ever after.

 

A familiar car pulled up and the sixteen year old looked up to find the concerned face of Finn, her ever most best friend— with the exception of Poe— that she needed to talk to desperately right now because oh fuck, her mind was shaken up to the core and she needed time.

 

“What’s up, biscuit? You look uneasy.” Finn asked as Rey hopped into the passenger seat beside him, buckling her seatbelt and giving a sideways glance towards the same house she had just ran away from to check— and she admits in defeat that she longed for the image of Ben watching her with the same heartbreak she felt all those years— if the young man was there.

 

He wasn’t.

 

“I’ll tell you later. Let’s just go to McDonalds alright?” She said with a breath and Finn gave her one of his stern dad looks that had Rey rolling her eyes because yes, of course she’ll tell him the truth. They sat in comfortable silence as they drove along the road, Rey’s eyes fluttering through the window beside her and watching in a daze as greenery flew past them.

 

“Was it Ben?” Finn managed to rack up in hope of Rey not looking over at him and socking him in the cheek with horror. Thank God, she turned to him slowly and he could already tell by the dull gleam in her eyes that it was  _ always  _ Ben.

 

“How did you know?” She asked gently because she was genuinely curious as to how her friend, who hadn’t even met Ben, knew of his return. Her almond eyes watched as the young man beside her shrugged like this subject was the most normal thing in the world and it probably was, but certainly not to her.

 

“Remember when I stopped by last night to drop off your jacket you left at my house?” Rey nodded and he proceeded warily. “Well, as I got back into my car, I saw him walking towards the house across from yours. He looked like the description you once told me and Poe but I didn’t want to… try anything.” Finn looked over at her through the corner of his eyes while simultaneously keeping his gaze on the road. She sat still and he wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not.

 

“Oh,” she managed to say and the rest of the way was spent with silence, her thoughts unravelling in her head and she could only remember the way she had spoken to Ben. Rey couldn’t quite put her finger on the words that seemed to spill from her lips in outrage to his sudden disappearance and reappearance. She somehow didn’t regret it though unlike whenever they fought while they were younger and  _ happier.  _

 

Damn.

 

* * *

 

Finn had called Poe and only a few moments later, the young man crashed through the doors of the fast food restaurant and scanned the area until his eyes fell upon the familiar faces of his friends.

 

“Hey, what’s going on?” He asked as he slid into the booth next to Finn, they had already ordered and he was currently munching on some chicken nuggets that they sure as hell knew probably wasn’t real meat. Oh well, it sure tasted pretty good.

 

Rey was slowly eating her M&M McFlurry and she cleared her throat, giving Poe a reassuring smile to explain that it wasn’t a major emergency. Nobody died. Well, if she had known what this information she was about to tell would do, somebody would die.

 

“Ben is back,” she said slowly and calmly although nothing in her felt cool and collected. Her body buzzed in delight, fury, and anxiety from when she had first laid her eyes on him. She remembered how Ben’s happiness seemed to shine through him when he was merely a child, a teenager who would laugh at her stupid jokes and nervous outbursts. It had seemed to fade away as the years went by and he was living proof that getting away wasn’t always the answer. He looked like shit, to summarize.

 

His hair had been damp from taking a shower and his scent had smelled vaguely of… fish oil? Her heart had been rapping against her ribcage but she didn’t show it. Instead, a facade— but not really a facade— of anger was displayed on her face and she hoped that the man standing in front of her, who was looking down at her with  _ nothing  _ on his features to show a little gleam of feeling, couldn’t sense the same nervousness she’d experience four years before.

 

Ben had lost a few pounds from when he was merely seventeen years of age. His face appeared more aged and wise as if he had not only matured physically but mentally, and something was off about him. There was something that made her realize that he could’ve done strange things over the course of time where they were separated. Stupid things that she sure as hell knew Leia wouldn’t approve of and she would have certainly grounded him for months until she couldn’t take anymore of her brooding son.

 

Jesus Christ.

 

The image of him had been burned into the back of her head as she explained their reunitement to Poe, his face an expression of content as he listened to his friend speak. Inside, however, was a bubble of emotions as he told himself that the boy who had been breaking Rey’s heart for multiple years had suddenly showed up back in town without a single warning of when— because she  _ desperately _ needed to know when Ben would show up so that she could prepare herself for what was to come mentally and God, she really wished life worked out that way but it was never like a fiction tale that lived in a storybook.

 

Finn had heard little tidbits of the situation in the car and this time, thank the Lord he wasn’t driving, he stared at her with a clear look of wrath held on his face because he knew how much Ben had hurt Rey. He knew despite how much Rey loved him, he broke her heart by getting up and leaving without a single trace. Although, he understood the difficulties of loving somebody when the idea of it seemed impossible. He glanced at Poe sideways with a smirk but returned his attention to the girl across from them, chewing on the cold, handful of M&M’s from her treat since that damn machine was  _ still  _ broken.

 

“Rey, I know it must sound hard,” Poe began after his friend’s rant about how furious she had been, “But maybe just ignore him for a while? Hell, I’m going to beat his ass the next time I see him but I—  _ we  _ don’t want you to have to experience anymore torment because of him.” Rey hung her head because that  _ was _ difficult. He lived right across from her and now that he was back, he’d appear in his own front yard and he’d be home every time she came to pick up some groceries Leia had bought for Mrs. Kenobi.

 

Fuck.

 

“I don’t think it’s going to be that easy, Poe,” she protested because, God— she  _ craved  _ to feel that pleasure of showing Ben just what he had made her feel for those four years of abandonment from the one friend she had depended much of herself on. It was sort of a lesson in a way and she could practically thank the older boy for it. She had learned that she was better off as an independent person. She seeked for validation from him when she was merely a child and God, that didn’t turn out well, didn’t it? He had left and she had broke and that was that.

 

But now he was back and shit, she was right, it isn’t going to be so easy.

 

* * *

 

The tortured twenty-one year old soul of Ben Solo had just gotten his ass beaten verbally by the girl he had grown up across the street from. He swore just a few years ago that Rey was merely the little bundle of  _ joy  _ he held in his arms but suddenly she was just above his upper lip and shit, she was something breathtaking.

 

However, the words she had spoken hadn’t merely went through his ear and out the other— no. He listened. He listened with every fiber of his being because everything she had said and called him was true. Ben had left and it slowly corrupted him from the inside but he was back, he was back to try and make it all better again but that’s not how things worked. As he grew, he had resent himself and found his own decisions foolish and childlike. But he knew himself that if he were to show up out of the blue, he’d receive a feeling of hatred so strong that it would eventually tear him apart but did he care? No, not really. It was what he deserved.

 

He hadn’t let a gleam of emotion dance on his features at all as the younger girl got in his face, spitting out her thoughts and feelings about how he had abandoned her, abandoned his family, abandoned the people who loved him. Ben was no oblivious man. He noticed things with amusement or disappointment yet hid his reaction to hide away his weaknesses. Rey was one of his weaknesses. She was like his fucking kryptonite and as she announced her loathing towards him, he broke but just for a second because with this newfound hate, she couldn’t destroy the walls he built to close everything out of his life.

 

Now here he was, sitting on his bed that his mother had kept tidied and clean all these years, washing his sheets once a month because she knew— she just knew that her son would return home no matter how long it took. His father was still at work, at the garage, fixing up run down, no good cars just like his son’s very own car. It was still in good shape which amazed the twenty-one year old. Especially after those late night and early morning drives he took as he refuged in the middle of nowhere with his Uncle.

 

Before Rey had bursted through the door and back into his life, he had explained where he had gone to his mother. Her strained face relaxed into a small smile because her boy had seeked out a home from her brother, it made her tense nerves slacken because she knew Ben was in good hands— ah well, mediocre hands— during all those years of loneliness she and Han had felt. Her hand came up to caress her son’s cheek, just like she did when he was only a small boy sitting in the same wooden stool in the kitchen, as tears brimmed her eyes because he was back home. Her  _ hope  _ was back.

 

“You’re so grown now, dear,” she had said and that was when hell yet heaven itself knocked against the Solo’s front door.

 

Anyway.

 

Now here was the young man, staring down at the screen of his phone with the name ‘Rey’ flashing up at him, his thumb lingering over the phone-shaped symbol, deciding whether or not he should apologize just mere hours after their little ordeal.

 

Ben was wise enough to throw his phone back onto the soft cushion of his bed and he sighed, a sigh that showcased his frustration while he tried his best not to stand up and punch  _ something  _ because he couldn’t worry his mother like that again after the many years of doing just that. It was the only thing he seemed to have been able to succeed at. The young man stood up, however, and looked through the dark color of his curtains to observe the window on the far left side of the house across the street. The light was on and the silhouette of Rey’s slim frame passed by every so often until she finally pulled back her curtains, as if she were going to do the very same thing Ben was doing.

 

They caught gazes and he couldn’t pull himself away. The distance between the two buildings made it difficult to see the girl’s exact expression but he could tell by the tense of her shoulders and the clench of her fists, she was still angry and he couldn’t really blame her. Except, she kept her stare on him and it felt like she was staring straight deep into his soul and finding the emotions he had hid for so long from her because it wasn’t  _ right _ at the time.

 

Her mouth opened into a gasp and she glared, her eyebrows knitting themselves together in a clear expression of utter outrage as her clenched fists shut her curtains closed furiously. Another sigh fell from Ben’s lips as he crashed down onto his bed, his own bulky and undoubtedly long figure barely fitting it’s way onto the mattress and bed frame. He had grown into something the opposite of Rey. She had grown into something stronger while he had grown into a coward— he had grown weak. How you may ask? His own very thoughts invaded his mind in a frenzy that night as he thought about the mistake of leaving. The mistake of leaving his mother and his father and the very mistake of leaving Rey.

 

He had become weak to her own words but he, too, would will himself to grow into something that she wouldn’t fear or become vexed with, he would grow into something she could love again because finally—  _ finally  _ he could love her in the same complicated way.

 

All they needed right now was time. Time for forgiveness and time for natural causes to bring them together as one.

 

But sometimes time was seen as something that went by too fast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i'll give you guys a hint and also whats to come in the next few chapters because i love you all ;)
> 
> the end is a foreshadow to something but thats all im gonna spill ;)))
> 
> and get ready to see some ultimate fighting between finn, poe, and ben but nothing too serious cuz rey's still a sweetheart
> 
> oh and a lot more arguing from the two beans named rey and ben because they can't help themselves


	9. the question

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things between the two had grown uncomfortably awkward until her mother sent them to the grocery store. together. as in just the two of them— alone. maybe things would work out. maybe they wouldn't. who knew?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY SO THIS CHAPTER IS LONGER THAN MOST THAT I'VE WRITTEN ALRIGHT im so sorry it took me so long to update but here it is!!! a chapter filled to the brim with angst oh jesus but hey, im loving your guys comments so much!! you guys make me smile and motivate me to keep on writing. i love this fic and i know where im going to take this. im even thinking about writing a sequel!! go ahead and leave me some comments about that and whether or not you'd enjoy a sequel (since i already know how to end this story ;) )

It’s been a week ever since Ben Solo showed up on the doorsteps of his former home and into the welcoming arms of his mother, nearly on the verge of tears welling in his eyes because he didn’t realize how much he missed his mother. Instead of breaking down like the little boy he once was, he held onto the older women with a tight grasp that nearly suffocated her because oh goodness, he had grown so tall just like his father, if not a little taller.

 

It had been a week ever since Rey expressed her hatred towards the young man through her harsh words of wisdom and absolute truth. A week ever since they stared into each other’s eye through their gaze until the young girl shut her curtains closed furiously, breaking whatever connection they found together in that moment.

 

A week ever since he felt the guilt low in his stomach and in his heart. He wouldn’t have ever dreamed of how his abandonment had affected Rey when he was a teenager, Ben was one to be unaware of the girl’s feelings of him but he realized as he grew up, far away from her, that her stares and glances were held with compassion and longing. He had nearly slapped himself, which would’ve been well deserved at the time, when he figured out her nervous actions and weak smiles. And he had left. He had ran from those feelings she had for him like the coward he was deep down under that dark persona of his.

 

But, while realizing Rey’s feelings she held for him when she was merely a young girl, he registered the fondness he shared for her as well. It was a strange sensation if he were to be honest. He had been laying down on the inflatable mattress, wrapped in a blanket because his Uncle had something against the damn heater in his home, on another one of his sleepless nights, indulged with his own thoughts and perceptions of his past life and his current one.

 

A person who belonged.

 

And a person who was on the run.

 

Then he remembered Rey. He remembered those soft hazel eyes of hers that were usually conquered with a forest green instead of a chocolate brown. He remembered that toothy grin of hers whenever she tilted her head up to look him in the eyes, the corner of her own orbs crinkling with delight because of something he had said. He reminisced about the way she danced like nobody in the entire world was able to see her, her arms fluttering around as she began to become the most carefree person in the world. He had recalled all these memories of Rey and he could nearly cry right then and there.

 

It was always her who brought a flood of emotions he couldn’t explain.

 

He wasn’t sure if he liked it or not.

 

* * *

 

Things had grown awkward between the adolescent and the young man who had become a fugitive in Rey’s eyes. She couldn’t help the anger in her veins that boiled every time her gaze caught his, he had been staring at  _ her  _ but no matter how quickly her heart pounded in her chest, she gave him a harsh glare and turned away.

 

Rey knew that look like the back of her hand. He was studying her the same way she would’ve studied him but with less… intimacy. It was more so a feeling of invasion. He was trying to read her and figure out the gears turning inside her head and heart. Ben was simply trying to grasp as to why she wanted to loathe him until he was on his knees, begging for forgiveness. The imagery of that made her sneer with a grin and God, it sounded horrible but it brought her amusement to the idea that Ben would finally look up to her one day.

 

Then she snapped out of her thoughts with a horrific feeling deep in her gut because that was something straight out of murderous thoughts in the many stories she’s read. Rey shivered because of her own damn self, she really did hate him, huh?

 

No, not really. Well— she did. Jesus Christ, her own consciousness was merely a state of confusion because the ardent feelings of passion she held towards the young man were just as strong as her feelings of rage. Rey couldn’t seem to let go of her past, recollecting the way Ben’s face shown with joy as he grinned that rare smile of his that made his dimples stand out starkly.

 

The sixteen year old knew she couldn’t keep this up for long when her mother suggested that she and Ben should go to the store.

 

Together.

 

In the same car.

 

She had tried to protest and claim that she could help prepare the food with Han and Leia but Mrs. Kenobi shook her head, hearing about the difficult ordeal between her daughter and Leia’s son caused her to attempt at forcing the two to make amends, with a quip of, “Ben may not understand what some of the ingredients are.”

 

Damn, she had a point.

 

So here they were, sitting in unpleasant silence as Ben drove down the empty road. It was common for merely a handful of cars to pass by down the street due to the fact not very many people chose to go out during nightfall. It was either that or their town was small enough to have everything included at a walking distance. Rey preferred the silent drives more rather than walking because driving was faster and God, she really didn’t want to be stuck next to Ben for too long.

 

She had presumed that the car ride would be spent in utter silence, the soft rumble of the engine being the only prominent thing you could hear, but she stood incorrect once Ben opened his mouth and let a question leave his full lips.

 

“How’s school?” He asked as if the girl sitting next to him hadn’t been glaring out the window as she kept her legs a great distance from the center console.He asked so utterly nonchalantly like he hadn’t been gone for so long. As if everything was okay right now and he was just driving them down to the supermarket to get groceries and have a  _ grand  _ time. Ben glanced at her and watched the road simultaneously, not wanting to be killed and have himself end with Rey loathing him— at least with no explanation.

 

“Fine,” she replied sharply and Ben nearly sighed. He didn’t blame her for being so hostile. He really didn’t. However, he clenched his teeth and gripped the steering wheel tighter because  _ damn it,  _ he was simply trying to make things better and relaxed.

 

But things don’t work out like that huh?

 

His enraged thoughts got the best of him as he swerved the car quickly, earning a yelp from the younger girl sitting in the passenger seat due to the fact he pulled over to the side of the road so quickly a skid sound emitted from the vehicle. Rey watched as the man turned to her, his eyes gleaming with frustration and his teeth pressed against one another in what she assumed was stress. Why was he the one frustrated? He was the one who decided to get up and leave.

 

She hadn’t noticed that those exact same words left her mouth in shock because couldn’t they just drive down to the store and go back to move on with their lives? But suddenly— just right then and there— Rey realized that this was what she wanted. She hadn’t shown it in the most positive way yet but she wished they could just speak without yelling in each other’s faces although she was the one who always did most of the yelling recently.

 

Ah well, this one did include unnecessary shouting.

 

“Goddamnit, Rey!” Ben huffed out as he looked down at her from the driver’s seat, sensing her surprise and—  _ terror.  _ He softened until her own eyes glistened with anger and her lips turned into a scowl. “You know, I wish you could maybe appreciate the fact that I’m trying to fucking work things out here!”

 

His temper usually brushed onto Rey, especially when it was directed towards her. It was the reason why her voice rose as she lashed out, leaning over to show him just how worked up he made her. “I can’t appreciate that unless you apologize!”

 

“I’ve been trying!” He announced and nearly slammed down on the horn in anger and  _ fuck,  _ why was she being such a hardass right now? And in that instant, he knew that deep down, it was because of her own sorrows he had left her with. The disappointment he left her with when he didn’t show up on her doorstep for the past four fucking years.

 

“You’re a fucking monster.” The teenager replied heartlessly and words caught in Ben’s throat at her insult. But it was the truth wasn’t it? He looked into her eyes and only found the anger she had built up as she grew up without him, the passionate hatred towards him like he had murdered someone she loved dearly— but maybe he really did. She loved him, maybe he had destroyed himself on his time away. Ben was the one reason she couldn’t live her life to the fullest. Thoughts of him swarmed her mind as she tried her best to let somebody else into her life, memories of what his favorite food or book was always pried their way through her mind whenever said food or book was mentioned, and the cruel question of “Would Ben like this?” popping in her head made her grow to detest the man sitting beside her.

 

“Yes I am,” he finally breathed out in a guttural voice that had her insides trembling. Ben held no remorse on his blank expression but she could suddenly tell by the soft glint in his eyes that he was angry. He was enraged. But most of it wasn’t directed towards her— oh no, it was directed to  _ himself. _

 

And Jesus Christ, Rey could almost start into a fit of laughter and she knew that the older boy next to her would knit his eyebrows together in confusion at her sudden outburst of hysteria. She wanted to laugh until her sides ached because the insults and excuses and shouts they spit at one another sounded so much like an argument two children would have. They sneered and yelled at one another over the most stupendous yet serious things with weak comebacks and she could only want to  _ laugh  _ at how immature it all truly was under the surface.

 

It was why she sighed slowly and turned her head back towards the glass window, nearly pressing her cheek against the cool surface just so she could create some excuse to not look at him at all. “Just keep driving, Ben.”

 

And he obeyed. He gave her one last hopeful look and grunted, turning back towards the wheel and putting the car in drive, going about the vacant street as if nothing had just happened between the two.

 

_ Everything  _ had just happened between the two.

 

* * *

 

Once they were parked into the market’s parking lot, Rey hopped out of the car swiftly and stormed into the grocery market. She didn’t wait for the man behind her when he could easily catch up to her with long strides of his limbs as he was now shoulder to shoulder with her. Ben pulled out the crumpled piece of paper that held the list of items they would need to buy from his pocket. Rey snatched it from his grasp and read aloud the various groceries they would need to scavenge for through the numerous aisles. She ignored the evident frown of his when her fingers tugged the list from his own hands and tried to walk whilst reading, a very dangerous task if you ask her, and thanking the Lord for not embarrassing herself by avoiding any obstacles that she could have easily tripped on.

 

“Salmon is over there,” Ben pointed out with a quick nod of his chin, gesturing towards section of the market that held a variety of seafoods. The smell of it made Rey’s nose crinkle in distaste. Sure, she loved her mother’s salmon but the smell of other uncooked sea creatures had her stomach turned. She ordered Ben to go and fetch it while she looked for the other items written in her mother’s legible handwriting.

 

It had been a few minutes or so from when she left the older boy in the seafood aisle to go venture down to the aisle that held the different spices and seasoning that had her nose inhaling the exotic scents of paprika, garlic powder, basil, and a few others that she could name from her mother’s cooking experiences. Mrs. Kenobi taught Rey how to season the hunks of meat her father would grill outside and one unfortunate time resulted in Rey dumping a whole load of chilli powder onto their chicken. She could remember her tears and washing at her eyes fiercely with her mother scolding her because some of the excess powder had made its way into her eyes and it  _ burned. _

 

The blaring sound of black pepper being shaken against the material of its plastic container near her ear brought her out of her memories of spices to scowl as she turned around to face Ben, grinning ear from ear with mischief in his eyes.

 

“Scared you?” He asked innocently and Rey’s frown deepened, her forehead creasing into more wrinkles and Ben merely chuckled as if they hadn’t just had a heated argument in the car ten minutes ago.

 

They moved on to the items found in the vegetable and fruit sections. Her mother asked for them to buy some asparagus to go along with the pink fish she would be cooking with Leia that night. Rey had nearly groaned when she heard the horrid vegetable’s name for the fact that she  _ hated  _ asparagus. Her mother had pressed it onto her as a child in hopes of Rey growing into the green veggie but it was futile, to this day she still cringed inwardly at the thought of the side being on her plate.

 

As Ben’s eyes scanned the rows of greens in the bitter cold of the market’s vegetable section, Rey decided to get back at it for his little prank he pulled to snap her out of her thoughts. It had shaken her up just a bit if she were being totally honest. She was always quite jumpy and Ben knew— oh he  _ knew  _ from all the times Rey would flinch at the slightest indication of a pop up in a horror movie.

 

So.

 

Two packs of frozen corn in her hands, Rey creeped up behind the twenty one year old and pressed the frigid plastic against the warm flesh of Ben’s cheeks with a snicker. Ben whipped around and hissed at the sudden chill Rey had brought upon him. He glowered down at her as she laughed and laughed until she couldn’t breathe properly and he was seriously considering if he should call an ambulance or not.

 

“Ben—,” she managed to huff out in her fit of hysterics, “The look on your face, oh my  _ God, _ it was amazing!” Her pristine accent brought such a new dimension to her sentence and he was entrapped in it. He still frowned deeply though as she calmed down from her giggles. Rey’s hand came up to his face and he thought for just a split second— he really wished— that she was going to caress his cheek, but she merely began to chortle again at the feeling of his bitter skin, still affected by the two packs of frozen corn in her hands.

 

It had taken them nearly an hour to finally acquire what they needed because of the stupid pranks and jumpscares they pulled on each other in a war that had been silently declared. They popped up from atop aisles to scare one another, they shoved various groceries into each other’s faces, they made jokes based on the different items they spotted until they had the other dying of laughter. They were in the “junk food section” as they liked to call it and it felt like old times, as if Ben hadn’t left for four torturous years and Rey didn’t try to hate him with all of her heart.

 

The young girl’s eyes fell onto the familiar blue packaging on one of the shelves beside her. She reached out and let her fingers wrap around the package that held the familiar, heavenly, sweets. The sound of the plastic crinkling under Rey’s touch had Ben turn around in curiosity because hell, they already had two bags of chips in the cart and it wasn’t even on the list. What could she be getting  _ this  _ time?

 

Ben raised an eyebrow as Rey turned around, holding the same pack of oreos that always laid around in the Solo household every time she came as a little girl. She looked up and nearly smiled at the young man who gave her a small close-lipped smile and she assumed that the very same memories rushed into his mind.

 

Keyword: nearly.

 

* * *

 

Dinner at the Kenobi’s home was splendid after their time spent fooling around as they pranked one another at the market. The staff who would occasionally pass by didn’t seem as amused as the two immature customers were but that was alright. They had managed to sit in a silence that was part comfortable and part awkward because the realization of how much they missed old times and how much they missed  _ each other  _ was suddenly as clear as day.

 

They didn’t speak though, even if Ben longed to open his mouth and let his thoughts spill out, showing just how vulnerable he could be when Rey was around him, but he didn’t. He restrained himself in case he simply started another quarrel between each other so he drove and drove until they were parked into the driveway of the Kenobi residence.

 

The home’s interior wasn’t as different as his own house. He had to admit that Rey’s humble abode was a tad larger than his when it came to the living room space and the dining area. She had paid no mind to that until he aged and God, was this what like being an  _ adult  _ felt like? Did you suddenly care about mortgages and the square footage of a house? Jesus Christ.

 

After dinner, Rey had snuck off into her room like the growing teenager she was becoming to be, claiming that she had homework to catch up on. Ben knew that was code for “I really just need some privacy right now” because he was the one who had told her that same phrase.

 

The thought made him chuckle.

 

The older boy had wanted to walk up the stairs that lead to the upper part of the Kenobi’s home and knock on the wooden door of Rey’s bedroom softly, but his understanding of her emotions had stopped him. Ben calculated his thoughts deeply and played out the scenarios that came to his mind. It was intriguing. He was never one to comprehend and adhere to the feelings somebody else felt. But it was  _ her.  _ It was Rey and he’d always understand why she needed certain things and why she felt certain things. Always.

 

* * *

 

The next day had been spent mostly in her room because the misery of her period had started and God, all she wanted to do was just lay in bed and not give a single fuck about the world.

 

Jesus Christ, that sounded ridiculously glum to her.

 

It was now nearing the end of the afternoon and she successfully achieved her plans of staying inside, huddled under the blankets while eating away at the junk food she managed to sneak upstairs. The best part of being on school break was that her parents would be away at work while she had the house all for herself. Unfortunately though, there were days when her parents would arrive at a later hour and the anxious nerves of Rey would always go back to the cliche horror movies whenever she was home alone.

 

A slight tap against her window would have her jump up in fright, a soft sound from downstairs that was merely because of a tremble in the ground always had her shrieking, and whenever her parents knocked on the front door, asking for her to open it, always had Rey nearly fall into cardiac arrest.

 

And to her displeasure, it was one of those days where both of her parents had decided to work late. Her mother sent her the usual text of what could be found in the fridge or pantry in case the young teenager grew hungry. She was always hungry. That was why she was sitting on her bed, crumbs piling up onto the mattress that would soon bring ants, as her hazel eyes watched the bright screen of her television without blinking. The lights in her room were turned off to somehow be a substitution of a movie theater while her hands shoved artificially buttered popcorn into her mouth. The bitter taste of the treat being half burnt didn’t seem to faze the girl as she continued to watch her TV show she had started to binge the other night.

 

There was suddenly a quick knock against the glass of her sliding door that lead to her balcony and her heart nearly jumped out of her chest. Rey paused the show and sat still, sitting in her own silence to see if she were hallucinating or not. The same sound of the gentle taps of knuckles against glass filled the room again and Rey stood up slowly, wincing at the slight creak of the floorboards under her feet in case the person at her balcony was a serial killer, waiting for her to open up so he could stab her right in—

 

Yeah, okay, she was over exaggerating things. But hey, it could be a serial killer.

 

The sixteen year old girl peered through her purple curtains with one eye and cursed mentally when she realized it was too dark to see who was lounging on her wooden balcony. After many years though, her eyes became familiar to the older boys long frame and she sighed, frowning a bit at all the fuss her mind went through just to open up to Ben’s smirking face.

 

“What do you want?” Rey huffed out as she crossed her arms in annoyance. Annoyance because he was suddenly going to pop up on her balcony like old times, huh? She was also irritated by the way her heart rapped against her ribcage from her excess terror and just the sight of Ben. Damn it.

 

“You’re home alone.” He stated plainly and gestured to the mess of her room that she created on special occasions where Mr. Kenobi wasn’t home to scold her about the tidiness of her bedroom. Ben’s eyes skimmed the interior of Rey’s room and reverted his gaze back to her, her forehead was creased as her frown deepened.

 

“Yes, I am, stalker. Now what is it that you want?” She asked lowly and her foot tapped against the chilly wood of her floor, just like her mother.

 

“I just told you,” Ben replied nonchalantly as he strode into the room. His shoe crunched onto a stray popcorn kernel and he sighed, he always hated microwavable popcorn. “You’re home alone so I came here.”

 

Rey’s cheeks flushed with both frustration and… affection. Fuck. “What? Came here to protect me or something?” Maybe Ben believed that their encounter with one another at the grocery store had suddenly brought them to good terms. It hadn’t. But it most certainly brought them somewhere closer to that. She still tried her best to tell herself that the man standing in her bedroom, trying to flick off the leftover popcorn bits from the bottom of his shoe, was the man who abandoned her. The young man who she was trying to resent.

 

Ben stood still, she assumed he would sit down on the edge of her bed but her hazel eyes read his tense shoulders and nervous glances. He was afraid. Afraid of  _ her.  _ Afraid of messing anything up because it had been so long ever since he stood in her room, he had only been seventeen years old and now here he was, a twenty one year old who was already the legal drinking age, yet he preferred to spend his night standing awkwardly in the middle of Rey’s bedroom.

 

“Maybe,” he offered with a shrug and a short tug of his lips, curling up in that Solo smirk of his that he shared with his father. Leia had explained that it was supposed to make girls swoon, but all it ever did to Ben’s mother was make her scowl in annoyance with her husband. Ben followed Rey’s gesture of her hand, telling him to sit because this was going to eventually get uncomfortable if he just stood there in the middle of her messy floor, popcorn kernels and stray clothing left in heaps since she was too lazy to do laundry.

 

“I don’t need any protection,” Rey snapped back with her eyebrows furrowed in confidence and courage. Ben knew she didn’t need any protecting. He had seen her punch a guy in the jaw who was seriously too persistent with trying to be her date. He had also unfortunately experienced one of her rough punches on his shoulder multiple times throughout the years.

 

“I know.” The weight of the bed shifted as Rey sat next to him, still keeping a good distance between themselves because she wasn’t ready yet. She wasn’t ready to accept him and forgive him after four years of hell without him. She had grown up for him and she had grown to hate him, she wasn’t going to back down now.

 

“Why’d you leave?” She finally asked without looking at him, her hazel eyes were trained onto the dark floorboards of her room, counting the popcorn kernels to keep herself distracted. Rey couldn’t look up at him, she couldn’t look into those stupid dark eyes of his because she knew— God, she  _ knew  _ she’d give up everything she built with tears and shouts of forgiveness.

 

She wasn’t going to let him off that easy.

 

Ben had an abrupt sense of déjà vu as he sat on her polka dot comforter, those same words had left her mouth in a question when they were oh-so-young and she had asked him why he began to grow up.

 

He guessed it was to get away from her.

 

It wasn’t that easy though because… well— look at where they were.

 

“I needed to get away,” he replied honestly after a few moments and he looked over at Rey. She was still staring intently at the floor and he wished she could just look at him. Ben wanted her to know that he was going to be honest with her, he would only tell her to truth.

 

“Why?” She asked with a clench of her teeth because what did he need to get away from? What did he want to leave behind? Was it her?

 

The memory of her confession over the phone flashed in her head and she gasped, a little gasp of breath left her lips and Ben’s eyebrows rose in concern ever so slightly. Rey chewed her bottom lip and she suddenly felt a pang of sorrow and resentment in her chest. He left because of her didn’t he?

 

Before Ben could answer her question, Rey finally looked up at him but her eyes were cold. They were hard and green and her gaze stared into his soul so intensely it would’ve hurt. “You left because of me, didn’t you?” She assumed and Ben’s eyebrows knit together in shock.

 

He was about to protest but his words caught in his throat. Didn’t he leave because of her?

 

No.

 

Well— fuck. She was definitely a part of his reason to run away from it all. He couldn’t deal with the arguments that he had everyday with his parents, he couldn’t stand the way she looked at him but not because he hated it— no not at all— he hated her longing gazes because he knew he wouldn’t be able to love her. It wasn’t right. He couldn’t love Rey.

 

Until now.

 

The young, idiotic, man had realized too late that he was silent for too long. His mouth parted slightly while trying to rack up the right words to say to Rey without having her break into a fit of anger. Although it seems his silence brought even more irritation because it seemed like she was correct. It seemed like he had nothing to say because it was  _ true.  _ He had left because of her. But not in the way she thought.

 

“Get out.” Rey sneered and her index finger poked the fabric of his shirt, her nail digging through it and he nearly hissed in shock. “Get out, right now.” Ben finally found his will to speak much too late as he cleared his throat, his face, though, was unreadable after the many years of trying to hide his emotions.

 

“Rey—,” he protested but stood up anyway, his eyes caught the welling of tears in Rey’s almond eyes and the pang of guilt in his heart nearly had him fall over. He had done it again. He had shattered a part of her heart when she had been putting it back together the past years he was gone.

 

“Please.” She asked solemnly with her voice— her voice was so  _ tiny  _ and fragile like just a shout would break it. Ben gave the girl he grew up across the street from one last look, she hadn’t been looking up at him to see his own expression of despair. 

 

He didn’t come to argue.

 

He came to apologize.

 

But sometimes life was never fond of him.

 

And so he left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY YEAH SO UH I TALKED ABOUT AN ULTIMATE "FIGHT" BETWEEN FINN, POE, AND BEN YEAH ABOUT THAT
> 
> this chapter was already so fucking long and i decided to leave off this chapter with feels (im sorry i love y'all though) but you will get it in the next chapter!! i promise. it might not be a good ol' boxing match, in fact i think i'll add some humor to their little encounter that i hope you'll enjoy! anyways, happy readings! love you all <3


	10. the interrogation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> friends are friends. hate is hate. anger is anger. love is love.
> 
> sometimes it can be too much of everything and you’d end up having to scold your two best friends for being complete idiots.
> 
> and you’d end up faltering in your plan to resent the person you love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi happy new year!! I’m sorry it took longer than usual to update, I wasn’t quite sure where I wanted to take this chapter but now I think I have it. I’m sorry if it sorta sucks!! i feel as though my style shifted a bit in between but it’s usually based on my mood. anyway, enjoy!!

That night was disastrous. Rey had thought that maybe—just maybe it would be the night where Ben would finally apologize and beg her for forgiveness because he just wanted her forgiveness, just as bad as she wanted to forgive him. The sixteen year old hadn’t realized that he could have such an effect on her especially after those years of willing herself to grow and build defenses that would keep him out.

He had broken them down with a quick tug of his lips, a smirk filled with mischief and smugness that he didn’t even know he had.

Rey wiped her eyes in defeat because she had cried over him. She had cried over him _again_. She really wished it wouldn’t be this way but Rey knew she brought it onto herself. She had watched him leave through the dark, the only source of light being her paused show on the TV screen, and she had sighed dejectedly when he shut the glass sliding door closed. His silence had answered her most feared question and fuck, he had abandoned the ones he loved because of her stupid schoolgirl crush confession.

She knew that if she didn’t talk to somebody in her depressing agony that she would most likely burst into flames of anger. Rey was smart enough to call Finn and Poe over to her house, because her parents _still_ weren’t home, no matter how late the hour was and they both sounded equally annoyed when they picked up on the second ring. They had arrived around midnight and looked absolutely beat, Finn had picked up Poe because the young curly haired man claimed he was too exhausted to drive his own car or he would’ve fallen asleep on the drive here.

Rey shook her head and brought the two boys to her room, they had seemed to notice the puffiness of her eyes as well as the red rimming of her eyelids. Finn raised an eyebrow once he sat down on the edge of her bed, asking her what happened and if her parents were alright. Poe had just gotten back from the bathroom and turned to sit in Rey’s beloved purple bean bag chair.

The young girl nodded her head, reassuring Finn that her parents were quite alright since she had just gotten a text from her mother. She had apologized for getting off work so late but the hospital was overflowing with expecting mothers right now but she promised her daughter that she would get home safely. Rey sighed and sat in her desk chair, fingers twiddling with one of her pencils as she rethought about how she should word the past events that occurred without having the boys plan a full blown murder.

She finally took a deep breath and cleared her throat, looking as if she were about to engage in story time they had every so often because Poe believed Rey’s voice was soothing and perfect for lulling him to sleep. The sixteen year old took it as a compliment at the time but when she pondered on his words hard enough, she wondered if simply talking to people had their eyelids drooping with sleep? Oh well.

“Ben stopped by earlier, through my balcony like he used to,” Rey started and carefully watched the expression on Finn and Poe’s faces. So far, so good. “I asked him— which was probably stupid of me— why he had chose to leave for so long…”

She continued to talk about how their conversation had unravelled, backtracking a little so she could explain the night when Ben was on the other side of the phone line, listening to her heavy breaths and finally, listening to her confess what she felt for him. He had stayed silent and that twelve year old heart of hers was beating inside her chest at a pace that could be seen as unhealthy. The memory of that night had her heartstrings tugged, it wasn’t the first time she had thought about that very same night. She replayed it over and over in her head until Rey couldn’t bear it anymore. It was what reminded her that she should loathe Ben, she should feel horrible whenever he came up into her thoughts because he chose to say nothing but an “I know” to her confession and run away the next day.

The emotions of Finn and Poe rose in vexation when they saw the tears prickling Rey’s almond shaped eyes. She wiped at them with the back of her hand as she continued on with what happened just moments before she asked them to come for comfort. Rey chewed on her bottom lip throughout the whole explanation because she was afraid that she had just signed Ben’s death. Maybe she did. Maybe she enjoyed it.

Most likely not.

She finished with her thoughts and interpretation of Ben’s silence when she had asked if the reason he abandoned the ones he loved, was her. The young girl took it as a sign of confirmation, it was a sign of him telling her that yes, she was one of the purposes as to why he got up and ran and God, the distant memory of her twelve year old self admitting her feelings for him had kept playing in her mind. It was presumably what made him leave.

Once all her words had left her system in a flurry of anxiety, irritation, and despair, Finn had his eyebrows drawn together in a clear expression of anger. Poe had his arms crossed and he was leaned back, his intimidating eyes were fixed on her ceiling as he stroked his chin, reminding Rey of an old man with a quick snicker. Finn stood up from his place on her polka-dotted bed and placed his hands on his hips, glancing at Poe until he, too, stood up and looked down at Rey. Christ, sometimes she felt like they were her two dads, not her two best friends. The young girl’s mouth opened into the shape of ‘o’ when she realized what they were ‘bout to suggest and God, please don’t.

“Next time we see him, we’ll kick his ass.” Finn offered and the look on his face was one full of fondness and anger. Rey found it flattering but she really didn’t want anybody to be hurt in this situation— well, hurt _physically_. Poe glanced at Finn worriedly but nodded his head anyway, he knew that sometimes Finn could easily be riled up in any situation when it came to Rey. Rey had been Finn’s first friend ever since he moved to this small town, feeling alone and lost but Rey had been the girl who tapped his shoulder in their mathematics class with a cheery smile, her accent that had began to fade away over the years rang out with a, “Hello, are you new here? I’ve never seen you.”

That was how it all began.

Poe had came into the picture only a few months after when he caught interest of Finn. People believed he tried to snug in between their friendship to get closer to Rey but it was in fact quite incorrect. It was to get close to Finn. They were all best buds ever since and well, they grew together and cried together and laughed together. Simple.

Anyway, Rey stood up as well from her black desk chair and frowned, her eyebrows furrowing together because she didn’t want their asses to get in trouble again. Finn and Poe had tried their best to jump some guy who had teased the shape of Rey’s eyes during lunch break but ended up having their own asses in the office instead of kicking somebody’s. Rey had sighed like a disappointed mother and dragged them out of the principal’s office once their lecture was done. It was a miracle that they weren’t suspended simply because they didn’t attack the poor male, they simply backed him up into the corner with their intimidating height of theirs and asked him questions as if they were interrogating him for committing a crime.

Jesus.

“No,” Rey interrupted as they began to scheme deviously and she groaned, throwing her hands up in the air in defeat because this always seemed to happen. “Please. Don’t hurt him, okay? I just wanted to talk to you guys about tonight, that’s all.” The sixteen year old sat down in her bed and brought her knees up to her chest, hugging them securely as her frown deepened when they ignored her.

“Finn— don’t you dare try to actually fight him. Look— guys.” She nearly yelled out as her cheeks flushed red with frustration that displayed itself through her eyes, the usual forest green that stood out had become taken over with a dark chocolate brown as her irritation levels arose.

“Why not, Rey? If he hurts you in anyway, he has to go through us,” Poe replied with a cross of his arms, however, he could read the pent up exasperation in his friend’s eyes and sighed. “You know what, Finn, maybe she has a point. We should back off if she says so.” The curly haired boy tried to reason with the young man standing beside him, his hands still laid on his hips in a fatherly manner and he could practically snicker right there.

“But Rey—,” Finn had began but she silenced him with a harsh glare, they weren’t going to get involved with violence again. What she needed right now were two people who could listen to her thoughts and comfort her, giving her advice if it was needed, not two boys who were ready to fight whenever they could. Rey assumed that if she allowed them to always get caught up in the violent side of things, she’d be paying visits to the hospital more often than she would like. Or jail. “Fine,” the young boy replied in defeat but he still smiled at her, reassuring her that he’d try his best to let himself cool down and stay out of things.

Yeah, that could only last so long.

 

* * *

 

Apparently not long enough.

So, here they stood in front of the much taller Ben Solo who stared at them with no emotion whatsoever, however he seemed slightly perplexed.

The trio hopped into Finn’s car and drove over to the mall, Rey had finally convinced Finn and Poe to watch the new Cinderella movie that came out with an over exaggerated pout of her lips and a bribe of buying them whatever food they wanted.

Good enough, right?

While Rey had stalked off to go buy food for her ever so starving stomach, the two boys began to roam the crowded building filled with stores and small booths in the middle, selling little things such as shoe shining or what not. They agreed to meet up at the cinema on the other side of the mall and Finn wondered if they could possibly trick their friend by buying tickets for a different movie. Poe glanced at him and shook his head, his eyes saying everything already.

His eyes said Rey would most likely murder them.

But along the way, they spotted a familiar mop of raven hair that they had occasionally seen cleaning out the front yard across from Rey’s house. Poe noticed the older man first and nudged his boyfriend’s arm with a quick tap of his own elbow.

“Hey— is that Ben?” He asked as he tried to gesture towards the man merely a few feet away. He seemed to be window shopping as Rey would put it, his eyes focused on an item in the window of a jewelry store with a look of concentration clear on his features. And God, Poe should’ve rethought his choices because Finn’s head snapped to the direction he had just nodded his head to.

And Ben was looking straight at them.

 

* * *

 

 

“What the hell is this?” His voice was gravelly as he asked the two younger men why they had tapped him on the shoulder and practically dragged him into one of the nearest stores.

“You’re Ben Solo, right?” Poe asked to avoid his question. He hadn’t really agreed to Finn’s choice of confronting the damn man but it was better than trying to pick a fight with him in the middle of mall.

Well, shit, if they played their cards incorrectly, this would be considered picking a fight.

“I am,” he replied shortly and quick, his dark eyes fluttered around as if he didn’t really want to be here. Yeah he didn’t.

“Well, we just wanted to talk.” Poe emphasized the word with a sharp look towards Finn. They would merely come here to ask if Ben really had intention of hurting Rey. They had been through thick and thin together and when the source of Rey’s heartbreak had come, they decided— awfully— to try and talk some sense into the guy.

They hadn’t exactly pictured Ben like _this_.

Intimidating as fuck.

“Can I ask why you want to talk in Toys R Us?” The twenty-one-year-old’s mouth quirked up in an amused smirk, it immediately disappeared just as quick as it came. The two friends of Rey had spotted him as he was browsing for Rey’s birthday gift. They weren’t exactly well at being under the radar. In all honesty, they stood out like a sore thumb and the two pairs of eyes had burned into the back of Ben’s head irritably.

“Look man, why’d you leave town four years ago? Were things that bad?” Finn asked with a cross of his arms and really, there were two sides to blame. He probably seemed like an asshole. A big one. But to him, he was protecting Rey and most definitely would like to avoid her heart being broken by being abandoned time after time again.

“That’s none of your business,” Ben stated and it was true. It wasn’t any of their business to invade his privacy. Jesus Christ. Did Rey set them up to do this? He hadn’t realized the thought left his full lips and Finn’s gaze hardened, the mentioning of his friend’s name coming out of Ben was a little itch that he wanted to scratch at fiercely.

And Poe— well Poe had his gaze on Finn, one that a worried mother would wear due to the tension that rose quickly. He knew that shit was about to happen. And, damn, they should really get out of here and they’re stupid. So stupid.

“Really? You think Rey sent us here to talk to you and get answers?” She really hadn’t. They were doing the exact opposite of what she asked. Rey had asked the two boys to stay out of it like how a mother would scold her children. They were currently doing an awful job at it. “We came here on our own to get some answers for her.”

Ben’s eyebrow cocked up in an quick expression of curiosity, it left just as Finn’s glare grew colder. “Answers? Why would you need answers?” His tone held genuine bewilderment but he didn’t show it, his lips stayed in a straight line and his eyes remained unreadable.

“Look, buddy,” Ben’s eyebrows furrowed as Finn used the friendly term in a not so friendly voice. “Did you skip town because of Rey? Because of what she told you?” Surprisingly, Finn’s expression had softened but an ounce of anger was still held in the air. Ben glanced over to the other younger man, Poe, who seemed uneasy as he looked around at the various toys. Many parents had already given the trio suspicious stares, shuffling their children along before all hell would break loose. An occasional squawk of a toy or a shrill whine of child filled the air and Poe was trying so damn hard not to laugh. Why had they dragged Ben here? Jesus.

And Christ— you have no idea how much Poe wanted to grab Finn by the arm roughly and drag him out of the toy store before he could embarrass themselves. The curly haired boy knew Rey would be pissed and was most likely searching for them, already antsy due to the fact the movie would be starting soon.

Ben pursed his lips and pondered the man’s question, should he give him an answer? At least one that held the truth? He decided to cut corners and give a half-truth. After all, who the hell was this guy? Ben had seen him on various occasions when he would arrive home. The duo would show up at Rey’s front door and whisked her away to wherever they planned to hang out. He knew that these were the people who she had found comfort in after all those years that he brought upon her. They’d most definitely explain this encounter with her sooner or later.

“Yes, I did.” Ben answered shortly, his face remained unfazed as Finn’s expression turned into one of outrage. Poe noticed this, thank God, and grabbed at his boyfriend’s elbow, pulling at it although he knew it was futile.

“Finn,” Poe warned as he tried his best to remain calm. He was wise enough to know that shit would break out and it was best if it didn’t happen at all. And if it did, a kids Toys R Us wouldn’t be the best place to hash things out.

Ben opened his mouth to continue his explanation as to why he left town. It seemed as though multiple people believed his intentions of running away because of Rey were because of the deep feelings she had once held for him. It wasn’t like that— hell, he had been lost for words but her feelings would never be a reason for him to run.

But they were, weren’t they?

Except he had left because he was afraid of how he’d deal with them.

The reasoning barely left his lips until the sharp and sudden pain of a punch flared in his right eye. A curse left his lips and once again, gained distasteful glares from parents who had their hands covering their children’s ears. Finn had delivered a throw as his anger got the best of him and Poe— oh boy— he mouthed an apology to the customers as well as Ben and proceeded to drag Finn towards the exit.

Ben stood there, holding his hand up to his right eyeball and he sighed, knowing it would leave a bruise in the morning. It was alright though. Shit, he deserved it if he had to be honest.

And he was used to it.

His thoughts were stopped short as the familiar high-pitched chirp shrieked in the store, earning more hateful stares and Jesus Christ, why hadn’t they been kicked out yet?

The look on Finn and Poe’s faces nearly had Ben chuckling in amusement.

“What the fuck is this?” Rey asked.

All three of them would be dead.

 

* * *

 

The brunette merely gave Ben a glance as she scolded her two friends like a mother would when she caught them fighting. She hadn’t seen Finn deliver the punch but Rey could already tell from the way his left hand nursed his right, flexing the joints because he truly hadn’t been expecting to hit someone. Specifically Ben.

Ben held a cold drink Rey had brought and handed over to him up to his swelling eye, she tossed it to him almost carelessly although he wasn’t blind and could most definitely see the gleam of concern in her eyes. She had turned back towards her “protectors” and gave them a sharp look of disappointment.

Her words were hushed over the loud roar of people passing by and the music playing throughout the whole building. Ben could only catch the words and sentences, little pieces that made his mouth quirk up involuntarily.

“...to stay out of it!” Rey said with a cross of her arms as Finn and Poe averted their gaze. Her foot was tapping against the linoleum flooring and God, she really did look like a mother.

After their heated conversation— in which Rey did most of the scolding—, Ben watched from the corners of his eyes as Rey practically dragged the two boys by their ears and led them towards the AMC on the other side of the mall. Rey continued to walk despite their protests and yelps of pain but made sure to glance over her shoulder, her face wasn’t set into a straight line of anger that she usually held up whenever she was around Ben.

He caught her vulnerable gaze that held an apology and concern for him. Ben was nearly seconds away from looking up and returning her stare until she whipped her head back quickly, disliking the idea of him finding her weak spots again.

She had forgotten about the drink in his hands to numb the swelling of his eye. Or maybe she didn’t.

Ben was just glad she didn’t catch the small paper bag beside him, holding a box that contained nearly his whole damn savings for her birthday.

* * *

 

The next time the two would see each other was that very same night.

Ben’s eye had already swelled up to its full extent and his mother gasped, gently pressing her thumb against it and pulling back when he hissed in pain. She had asked what happened and Ben didn’t have the guts to explain he had been punched by one of Rey’s friends.

“Accidentally got elbowed in the eye,” he claimed and Leia cooed in understanding, running off to the kitchen to go grab an ice pack.

Ben looked over to his father who was situated on the couch, watching the television although the young man knew he really wasn’t invested in the comedy show playing. Han was clad in his grease stained shirt and jeans, just like he always was. His father met his glance and smirked that Solo smile Ben had inherited.

“I won’t tell your mother.” Was all Han had to say and Ben nodded swiftly, muttering a thank you as Leia strode into the room. She could barely reach Ben’s swollen eye with the cold pack in her hands, covered with a paper towel just like the nurse at school did.

“It’s okay mom, I got it.” Ben reassured hoarsely, pressing the ice pack onto his warm flesh, it instantly soothed the swelling. “Thank you.”

He had then gone up to his room, changing out of his jeans and t-shirt into something comfortable enough for the night. It was still strange to be home.

 _Home_ , he thought. Huh.

This was his home. He wasn’t quite sure of it yet, not until a few more years, but it was. It was where he had grown up and it would hopefully be where he would die. No matter how many arguments that would presumably spark up between his father, no matter how many late nights out smoking— he’s been trying to quit but sometimes it’s hopeless—, no matter how many punches he’d have to endure, it was home.

Ben had gotten up to close his curtains, finally surrendering to the exhaustion he felt deep in his bones. His eyes turned to the window across the street, the dim light illuminating the figure who stood at the glass. Ben watched as the lithe frame tensed up, realizing that he was there and watching her.

Rey clutched the fabric of her curtains in her fist and the older boy believed she was going to shut them again, just like last time. Instead, she continued to stare at him, even if the distance between them deemed it difficult to. There were no words— well, simply because they wouldn’t even be able to exchange any— until she let go of the cotton shades and turned her back towards him, stepping away from the window.

He watched as the dim lighting darkened into black, realizing she had turned off the light and most likely climbed into bed. That was something he should really be doing himself.

As he did, Ben noticed that Rey had not shown a sign of anger or outrage towards him.

And she hadn’t shut the curtains closed fiercely like she had the other night.

It was a start.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one of the things I tried to stray away from was showcase finn as an asshole. i hold no hate towards him at all and I apologize if it seemed like he was being a complete utter asshat, i kind of did that on purpose. he holds rey very fondly in his heart and i think he’d react immensely if anybody ever harmed her in any way. also poe just worries for his boyfriend all the goddamn time but also wants to protect rey, although he calculates a lot more. anyway, leave some comments and i always enjoy your feedback!! until next time!!


	11. the regret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> she was growing up just like she wanted when she was a child. growing up with continuations of a begninning and an end of a loathing.
> 
> but it was never all that simple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!! i just started school today so updating might take some time and I apologize. I’m working on another work that’ll probably be a lot shorter than this one. look out for that one :)
> 
> anyway, enjoy!

The tension between the two seemed to ease off as the days passed by ever since Rey left the curtains of her window open and Ben took it as a sign that maybe shit wasn’t so bad.

He was either terribly wrong.

Or successfully correct.

It seemed that the answer was indefinite as the two sat in his junk of a car that Han still wished he would work on with him, and the uncomfortable silence only grew when Ben attempted to turn on the radio. He had been giving the task of dropping off Rey to school due to the fact Mrs. Kenobi had to run to a meeting early and Mr. Kenobi was long gone at work. Rey’s lips formed to protest once her mother suggested the idea of Ben taking her to school, telling her mother that she could just walk and it would be fine.

And yet, Rey had to have woken up much later than she anticipated because her ass forgot to turn on the alarm clock. She woke up groggily to find her mother slipping out of the door and Ben situated on the couch, munching on some cereal from their pantry.

“What are you doing here?” A yawn followed her question that was absolutely pointless for she knew why he was sitting on the couch, the early morning news playing and the crunch of Cocoa Puffs filling the air.

Ben swallowed and grinned at her— leaving Rey to scowl as her heart caught up in speed at the sight of his toothy smile, she was supposed to _dislike_ him but even she was ready to admit that it was utterly futile at this point. “I’m taking you to school.”

And here they were, sitting side by side, the middle console the only thing separating them. Ben remembered one of the first nights they were alone in this very same car. Rey had pressed her body up against the passenger door and glared out the window, clearly wanting nothing to do with the boy who had left her for ages. Now, she sat still with her shoulders tense and her gaze set on the windshield, but to Ben’s please, there wasn’t a hint of anger anywhere on her features.

This day seemed like it couldn’t get better until Rey’s mouth opened and an apology fell from her lips. Ben’s eyebrows arched abnormally as the soft words of “I’m sorry” emitted from the young girl next to him. He swore there was a crack of embarrassment laced in her tone.

His eyes glanced over towards her and found her gazing out the window, her cheeks pink with a tinge of what seemed to be shame. Ben assumed it was about the encounter between her two friends at the mall the other day and now he wasn’t so sure whether she was sorry for the two boys or sorry for getting them involved in the first place.

Nevertheless, Ben found amusement in this newfound sense of Rey being squeamish around him. It reminded him of the old times and no matter how much he wanted his past to fade away, he learned as he grew that sometimes it was better to keep things with you. He also found it amusing simply because it was one of the first times Rey held back her growing anger and loathing for him.

It was because it was slowly diminishing every time that damn smirk tugged at his lips that were a little too full but perfect at the same time.

It made her heart squeeze.

“Sorry for what?” He hid his tone with a facade of genuine curiosity and obliviousness, enjoying the way Rey’s cheeks flushed even more to the idea of having to explain her apology. Ben bit his tongue to hold back from laughing when she shrunk down in the leather seat, wishing that she hadn’t apologized in the first place.

Rey questioned herself as to why this was getting her so worked up. Was it because she was finally admitting defeat for doing something wrong? Or because she was showing compassion for him piece by piece? Surely an apology was seen as something that showed you felt regret for whatever you did— except when it was forced. This, however, wasn’t forced at all. When she had peered through the glass of her window the other night to find his broad frame staring back at her, she frowned. It must’ve seemed like a frown of dread, one that said “shit, you’re here too”.

It was a frown of “I’m sorry about your eye” because the damn thing had started to swell once he left the mall and the boy across the street was currently pressing an ice back to it. Rey felt the guilt low in her stomach as she clicked her tongue and walked away, turning off the light and letting sleep consume her to hopefully shed off the regret.

Yeah, it didn’t work.

“Sorry for my two friends trying to jump you in a kids toy store,” the words were mumbled under her breath and Ben could nearly burst out laughing. He wasn’t making fun of her— no that wasn’t it, he knew if he really were, he’d have another black eye— he simply found mirth in the way their conversation seemed vaguely like one held between a scolding parent and a stubborn child.

Well, the comparison didn’t sit too well on his shoulders.

“All forgiven,” he replied gruffly as the car halted to a stop. A shrill sound emitted from the piece of junk and Ben winced. That’s not a good sign. He’d have to ask his dad to find out whatever the hell was going on with the automobile and somehow escape from his offers of working on it together. “We’re here.”

Ben expected for Rey to hop out of the car and slam the door, hoping it wouldn’t fall off, and walk away without bidding a goodbye. He was surprised when his gaze on the cream color building surrounded by teenagers was turned with her small hand. Ben blinked in utter confusion and Rey had to admit she found it a little adorable.

Shit.

Ben watched as Rey avoided his gaze, instead lingering on his bruised eye. Her touch felt foreign after all those years and even when he returned, she never touched him except for the natural brush of their shoulders or fingertips dancing among along one another when passing groceries to each other. Her fingertips brushed against the purple colored skin around his eye gently, she was afraid to hurt him.

“Rey—,” he was surprised to find that his throat ran dry at her sudden show of affection. Rey seemed she was too as she jerked her hand back, her expression looked as if she had just turned a burning stove. Before Ben could say anything else, the sixteen year old had run out of the car as if nothing had happened.

It was usually like that, wasn’t it?

 

* * *

 

Once again, just like every other slight interaction between the two, the moment they shared in Ben’s car was one that was held in silence. It was hushed. There was no mentioning of it at all the next time they saw each other, the only hint that it wasn’t forgotten was the pink tint of Rey’s cheeks and nervous tics of Ben as he ran a hand through his curls.

The only thing besides that moment of weakness to Rey was the anticipated day of April tenth. The day she was finally born into the world. She could nearly burst into tears as her hormones got the best of her, realizing that she was finally turning seventeen and as the school year edged towards the end, it would soon be her senior year.

She was growing up.

It was one of the first times in a long while where she was _happy_ about it.

The last time she was so passionate about growing up and growing taller and becoming a woman was when Ben had been the only thing she was growing for.

Now, she was growing for herself.

But that moment— god damn it, she had let the guilt in the pit of her stomach win her over— when she had pressed her hand gently on his skin, almost caressing his black eye with a sense of shame. Her words were what had caused him to end up like this. Rey also had a chat with Finn and Poe after the movie was done, scolding them like a mother when ironically, they were in the position of a father, desperately trying to protect her.

She remembered the seething feeling of anger and confusion when they looked just as guilty, pouting and feeling dejected as they listened to her words because they sure as hell didn’t listen the first time. They apologized countless times and she forgave them with a thought of puzzlement. Didn’t she want Ben to suffer in some way? Her answer was the way her heart squeezed at the sight of him, pressing the cold drink she decided to let Ben keep for his eye, and he nearly caught her gaze but Rey swiftly turned her attention back to the boys who were hissing in pain as she pulled them by the tips of their ears.

Anyway.

The morning of the tenth, Rey opened her eyes and groaned groggily to the soft taps against the glass of her balcony sliding door. She groaned and turned away, deciding whether she should shout at the older boy to go away so she could fall back asleep until her mother shook her awake, exclaiming that school was about to start.

Instead, Rey chose to get up whilst rubbing her eyes to meet Ben with a scowl. His face broke out into a small, closed-lip smile as she glared at him. She found it unamusing. He found it adorable.

But he wouldn’t tell her that for a while.

“What do you want?” Rey asked in between a yawn, her arms reaching up to stretch out her lithe frame. A sudden rush of déjà vu hit Rey as the young man in front of her rubbed his palms against the denim material of his jeans.

“It’s your birthday,” he stated plainly and Rey sighed, narrowing her eyes because that was obvious, idiot. She was surprised to see that his eyes betrayed his usual blank stare that he displayed and showed a gleam of nervousness.

“And?” She offered with an arch of her eyebrow, crossing her goosebump filled arms from the light breeze that came with the season of Spring. Rey noticed the distinctiveness between the Ben in front of her and the Ben shown in public, it tickled at her heartstrings.

 _No,_ she thought. _Don’t let him win you over so easily._

Again.

“I got you a gift.” His tone was a facade of nonchalant yet laced with a tinge of anxiety. Rey managed to hold her unmoving expression with the same unreadable stare she learned to show whenever Ben was around. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box. Rey’s heart lurched into her throat because she swore that she’s had this exact same fantasy when she was _eleven_. But it wasn’t possible, he wasn’t proposing.

Right?

Instead, he handed it to her— thank God— instead of getting down on one knee and cleared his throat as she took it in her hands. Rey was almost afraid to open up the leather casing of it but did so, the curiosity killing the cat.

“It’s— uhm— just a pair of earrings. Nothing too flashy because I remember that you hate jewelry so I was skeptical about the gift in the first place.” His words seemed to stumble but managed to come out in a sentence. Stay cool. Calm. Ben didn’t even know why he was freaking out. Nevertheless, he continued into his own death. “Plus it’s up… in your ears because you’re usually a hands on person so a bracelet or— uh ring wouldn’t work out.”

Rey watched as he rubbed the back of his neck boyishly, he looked younger even though he was merely twenty one years of age. She was trying her hardest to not let a toothy grin surface on her features because that would completely knock off her act of resenting him. It was useless though, wasn’t it?

Well, Rey wasn’t a girl who liked to give up so quickly.

A flash of a smile came and was gone just as fast. Ben finally looked up from his shoes and God, he seemed so out of character from his usual brooding and dark persona he chose to display but it was Rey. It was the girl who grew up across the street from him. The girl who made him leave and helped him come back home.

“Thank you, Ben.” She said softly and clutched the box of earrings in her underarm. A shaky breath left her lips as she nodded, telling him that she had to go and closed the sliding door.

Ben had climbed down the creaky ladder before he could see her look down at the leather box. The earrings were simple. There was no diamond to it. There was no over exaggerated crystal to it.

It was a shape of an owl. And she _knew_   his inspiration for the choice of earring. It was the animal that reminded her of her favorite Greek goddess. At the age of twelve, she had a phase that contained her obsession for the Percy Jackson books ever since the sequel series was released. A laugh filled the air as she broke out into the long anticipated smile. Rey couldn’t believe he remembered that.

And then she could. She could remember because that was the series she’d read to him in that soft, purple bean bag chair of hers until he’d fall asleep in an uncomfortable position on her wooden floor. It seemed like it was so long ago.

It was a shame Ben couldn’t see her putting the earrings on.

* * *

 

As usual, school was absolute shit as Rey sat through her classes, paying no attention to the lesson at hand and instead, keeping her eyes on the clock. She was waiting for the day the teacher finally decided to cover the machines due to the fact that every single class had their students on the verge of sleeping or watching the clock, ticking painstakingly slow each time they glanced up.

The only thing that seemed different was the fact it was her birthday. It wasn’t something to be quite excited about but deep down, Rey was. She enjoyed the birthday wishes from her classmates and the bone crushing embrace she received from Finn and Poe once they spotted her. Her eyes bugged out as she caught sight of the cheap dollar store balloons they brought along and the box of donuts they managed to sneak past all the staff.

It was until the familiar sight of chestnut brown locks and lanky frame of Christian appeared in her view. She had just escaped from her last period of Biology and was ready to flop down in bed until she’d have to get up to do homework. However, she put on a friendly grin and said a quick hello.

Christian ran a hand through his hair and his foot tapped against the pavement in an act of nerves. He chewed on his bottom lip and greeted her, it made Rey smile.

“Uhm, happy birthday!” He cheered and straightened himself up, realizing he must’ve looked like a complete idiot. “Seventeen, right?”

“Yup,” Rey nodded. She found his attempt to make small talk quite endearing. The young girl couldn’t help but notice the way his eyes danced around and landed anywhere but her, Christian opened his mouth multiple times as if he were going to say something, then shut it. “Is there something you needed?”

“Do you remember our last date?” Christian asked softly with a gentle smile. His question wasn’t meant to be one of harm— not at all— nor was he trying to guilt trip her.

Rey still felt the sickening emotion of guilt low in her stomach.

She was about to allow an apology slip out from her lips before Christian stopped her with a low chuckle.

“Don’t sweat it, Rey. I understood.” He stepped closer and Rey shook her head once again, the memory of that night where he had left after noticing her distance from the present replaying in her head.

She had been thinking about Ben.

“I was wondering actually… if we could try again?” Rey cocked an eyebrow up and he elaborated with a nervous smirk. “Try another date?”

“Oh!” The young woman chirped up as it hit her. He wanted to try again. It was Rey’s turn to chew on her bottom lip as she thought of her choices in her head, she would most definitely want to try and make things better between them. They hadn’t spoken ever since besides a quick “thank you” or “excuse me”.

Christian’s eyes gleamed brightly as the girl in front of him decided, she was careful to make sure the silence between them didn’t last long. Rey’s lips opened to confirm her answer when the sight of raven curls and a scowl appeared in the corner of her eye.

Ben.

The seventeen year old smiled and nodded her head vigorously— almost too vigorously— and agreed. Christian fist pumped the air and gave her a sheepish grin, telling her that he’d text her the details about tomorrow.

Once he had left, Rey turned to Ben with a glare. Apparently her mother hadn’t took pity on her and let Ben pick her up from school too. Jesus Christ.

“What are you doing here?” She asked and her hands clutched the strings of her birthday balloons tighter. She wasn’t angry at him. Or even feeling bitter.

Rey was angry at the way her heart leaped when Ben’s expression turned into one of envy.

* * *

 

“Who was that?” He asked in the car and Rey rolled her eyes, making sure she was facing the window at her right. She pretended to not listen to a word he said as she watched the greenery pass by in a blur.

“Hm?” She hummed in a way to ask him to explain. Rey knew what he meant and the strange feeling in her chest worsened. Was he jealous? He couldn’t possibly be. He was Ben Solo, the boy who had left town because he didn’t feel the same way for her. That was it, right?

“The boy. The one who was talking to you,” Ben attempted to keep the jealousy out of his tone and failed terribly. If Rey didn’t notice, the clench of his hands on the wheel were a dead giveaway.

“Christian. Him and I used to… date.” She cleared her throat at the half-truth that had fell from her lips. It wasn’t technically a relationship. Only if you counted a half assed date between them that happened almost three years ago.

“Oh.” Ben glanced at her through his lashes and continued to drive in silence, the soft tunes playing on the radio only seemed to make the tension between them even more awkward.

And that was that.

* * *

 

The mornings and nights passed until it had been two weeks ever since Rey turned seventeen.

One more year until eighteen.

Damn.

The past weeks had been spent receiving calls from distant relatives and finding cheques in the mail, addressed with her name misspelled and usually from a person she had no idea existed.

The day after her birthday contained of a painstakingly slow day at school, her legs bounced and her fingertips tapped against the wood of her desk impatiently. Christian looked back at her discreetly and gave her a friendly smile, winking subtly and turning back towards the instructor. She blushed.

All in all, the date between them had gone swell. It was a lot better than before and her thoughts were nowhere near Ben.

For five fucking minutes.

Apparently he had been hired to be her goddamn chauffeur for the time being and called Rey in the middle of bowling. She sat down, sweat on her brow as Christian picked up his blue bowling ball, situating himself correctly to hopefully get a strike after pecking her on the cheek. It was the only way he could beat Rey— no, not kissing her cheek but obtaining a strike.

The girl sighed as she picked up her phone, sliding the screen to answer Ben’s call.

“Why are you calling me?” Her voice made Ben wince in the driver seat, holding the device back from his ear. Rey practically yelled into the speaker due to the loud music playing in the bowling alley. Ben scowled as he talked despite knowing she couldn’t see him.

“Your mom asked me to pick you up.” He said shortly and awaited her groan of protest. It was automatic and he couldn’t help himself to chuckle in amusement as the familiar sound rang out.

“Damn woman,” she huffed out and earned another chortle from the young man on the other side of the call. Rey ran a hand through her messy hair that probably reeked of bowling alley oil that they put on the lanes. “I can just walk.”

Ben’s voice came out low through the phone and she could tell he had just shook his head. “No.”

“Why?” Rey challenged, expecting a lecture of how it was dark and late and far too dangerous for a young woman her age. He was just like Leia. And Han. God, that combination was either a blessing or curse.

“Because I want to see you.” Ben replied softly and Rey’s breath stilled, her lips ajar and _fuck_ , that same stupid tug of her heartstrings happened like it always did when he smiled at her. He began to grin around her more often now. It was the opposite for her.

But she grinned every time he appeared in her thoughts whenever she had her privacy. Ben just didn’t know.

Rey muttered an agreement in defeat as she pressed the red button that ended the call. Christian whooped as he strode over to her, raising an eyebrow at the expression on her face. It was one he couldn’t quite explain.

It was one filled with shock and confusion.

But hints of joy.

The young man pretended to not take notice and sat down beside Rey, wrapping an arm around her.

She was his. And he was hoping it’d be that way for a while.

Hopefully.

“What’s up?” Christian asked and gestured towards the phone Rey was clutching abnormally tight on her lap. She almost seemed startled at the question, jumping up and holding the device close to her chest.

“Oh uhm, I’m getting picked up soon.” Rey said with a sad smile, showing that she wished she could stay longer. She really did. She just wasn’t so sure. They at least had the chance to share their thoughts and make small talk over dinner.

Christian returned it with a frown, his forehead creasing as his lips turned. “I could always drop you off, you know.” Rey’s smile widened at the offer but she shook her head, the smile faltering. Why was she turning him down? Ben was driving here to come and pick her up. She had been loathing his job of coming to get her from wherever the hell she was. Rey was awaiting the day when her father would give up and let her have her own car. She was seventeen now, it surprised her that they haven’t budged yet.

Maybe they weren’t ready for her to grow up.

“Who’s picking you up?” Christian asked curiously and plopped a fry into his mouth, chewing on it and Rey froze, her shoulder suddenly tense. If Christian noticed, he didn’t say anything. She nearly sighed in relief and felt the guilt pool in her stomach.

“Uhm, Han?” Rey replied with a squeak at the end of her sentence. Christian glanced at her with his mouth full of fries, she was afraid he’d realize the truth she hid behind the forest green and chocolate brown of her eyes. He finally nodded his head slowly and offered her a fry, smiling softly at her with a tinge of dubiousness.

“Okay, Rey.”

 

* * *

 

“Is my mom paying you or something?”

Ben looked over to the girl situated in the leather seat of his car. She was staring out the window like she usually did. Rey had been concerningly silent over the car ride to the grocery store and he wondered if she had fallen asleep. Her words baffled him and caused him to arch an eyebrow to display his puzzlement.

“What?” Ben asked and slowed down the piece of junk he liked to call The Silencer. People have given him looks and asked why, considering how silly the title was and how old he had grown to be. It didn’t make sense.

He just thought the name was cool.

The ominous red hue coming from the traffic light ahead of them lit up against Rey’s tanned features. Her skin had increased in its tone due to the amount of sun she allowed herself to be exposed to in their small town. Ben, however, was still starkly pale but he paid no mind. Rey used to call him Snow White because of his full lips that she used to adore and his raven black curls. It made the ten year old scowl but simply made twenty one year old Ben chuckle.

“My mom— does she pay you whenever you drive me places?” Rey asked and turned towards him, her body shifting to face the console as her knees bumped the dashboard. She had a look of genuine curiosity when Ben assumed she was being snarky.

“No,” he said slowly, hoping he wouldn’t suddenly get a punch to the face. Ben continued when Rey stayed still. “She doesn’t pay me.”

“Then why do you drive me around like you’re my— my chauffeur or something?” Her voice raised in frustration when it was all pointless but to her, it wasn’t. It made her feel like a kid. She should be driving her own car. Or at least her mother’s car. But _no_

“Your mom asks me to.” His answer was short and blunt, very much so like his personality most of the time. Except with her. Rey narrowed her eyes and leaned forward, watching his expression intently. He paid no mind to it and kept his gaze on the road in front of him, the light turned green and he sped off.

“Bullshit,” Rey sneered with a shake of her head and watched Ben’s grip on the steering wheel tighten. She averted her eyes back to him and realized he was trying his best to look at her and the road at the same time. “Eyes on the road,” The girl huffed out and Ben rolled his eyes.

“Fine, Rey. Jesus Christ—,” he inhaled sharply and relaxed his clenched hands, stretching out the small joints in his fingers as he calmed himself down. Ben didn’t want to explode on Rey even if she was beginning to piss him off with her poking and prodding when it came to simple questions. “It’s because I want to.”

“Want to what?” He told himself that it was merely his imagination when Rey’s voice caught at the beginning of her sentence. Ben kept his eyes on the road like she instructed, hoping that she’d regret her order. He knew how Rey had a tendency to read his eyes instead of his lips, it was always like that even when they were young. It was because most of his words were either distorted or half-hearted.

“I want to drive you around.” Ben made sure to lay it down simply without admitting too much. It was true though. He wanted to see her and be around her in some way without making Rey want to beat his ass. It was difficult but with the console between them and her life in his hands as he turned the wheel, she made no attempt if she was angry with him.

Rey’s breath caught in her throat again as she left her mouth parted, trying to think of something to say. That _something_ needed to show she didn’t care about his suave words when Ben wasn’t trying to be suave at all. She needed to remind him that she wanted nothing to do with him as of now but damn— it was so fucking hard.

A groan fell from her lips when he stayed silent and she dramatically let her slim frame flop against the black leather of the seat. Jesus, she’d been driven by Ben so many times, it was enough to make the passenger seat even _smell_ like her.

It was until they were at the store where they searched for the various items Rey’s mother needed for their Sunday dinners on the grocery list. The handwriting was more so of a scrawl by Rey’s part, she had hastily written down the ingredients her mother needed before they left. It was at the goddamn grocery store where Ben decided to answer Rey’s question and give mercy.

In the most unexpected way possible.

Very unexpected.

Rey had scurried off to the junk food section despite the list containing nothing from the aisle. She left Ben to try and figure out what the hell the difference between beef and bison meat was. A snicker left her lips and before the young man could turn and scowl at Rey, she left in a hurry to satisfy her cravings for some potato chips.

To her dismay, the familiar beige colored packaging was all the way on the top shelf. At nearly 5’7 inches, she could barely brush her fingertips against the crinkly bag of chips. Rey groaned and attempted to jump, it ended in her nearly having the whole shelf of snacks fall on top of her. The bag had been the second to last and was pushed all the way towards the back, Rey clicked her tongue. She was considering an attempt to scale the damn thing and grab the potato chips from climbing the metal racks until a large, calloused hand reached up for the bag.

Rey turned around and bumped face first with Ben’s shoulder, earning a grunt from the man. She backed away against the shelf and rubbed at her forehead as Ben stepped back, grinning like a madman whilst holding her potato chips.

“Couldn’t reach, Shorty?” The amusement in his tone made Rey grit her teeth, her stare hardening into a cold glare but all Ben could do was laugh. At first, he had been surprised about Rey’s sudden growth spurt when he first saw her. It felt like years ago when it was only a few months or so ever since he saw her for the first time in four years. She had yelled at him and had the same look in her eyes like she did now.

“Shut up,” Rey grumbled and stepped forward to reach out and grab the bag of savory chips she was going to binge on before dinner. A sound left Ben as he quickly pulled the bag behind him, the packaging of it crinkled as he moved it from his right hand to his left. More chortles emitted from the immature man as Rey’s scowled deepened, yet her eyes gleamed with the same amusement he shared.

Before they knew it, the package of goddamn potato chips was up a few good inches in Ben’s hands. The look of anger had vanished from her features and a grin replaced it, her own laughter erupting from the pits of her stomach as Ben desperately tried to get the chips out of her reach.

“Rey, this isn’t even on the list.” He pointed out. His arm was beginning to ache and switched it to his right, holding it up at the same time height that Rey could just barely graze with her fingertips if she jumped.

“My mom won’t mind,” the young girl protested and Jesus Christ, this felt like a workout. Her small purse bounced against her denim clad thighs whenever she hopped up and it began to hurt. Rey managed to step on her tippy toes without falling onto Ben, groaning yet giggling whenever he dodged her playful slaps.

And then suddenly, Rey lost her balance and tipped forward, instinctively reaching out for Ben’s shoulder to stop the fall.

A grunt escaped from the young man as Rey held onto him tightly, the bag of chips was still up in the air and were instantly long forgotten. Their noses were millimeters apart as Rey held her breath, counting the freckles and moles scattered across Ben’s face.

It was the closest they’d ever managed to be.

“Ben—,” Rey breathed out quietly as it hitched, her voice was barely above a whisper as if she were afraid somebody would hear her. Ben’s eyes fluttered to the soft pad for her lips and Rey’s own gaze followed in sync, resting on his lower lip that she had always been jealous of due to how full they were. She always knew he had freckles but never had the chance to view them up close and personal, she found them fascinating no matter how many times he tried to rub them off as a child. His beauty marks and scars from falling on his face or whatnot as a child were never as striking from afar.

She wished she could pull away. It seemed as easy as loathing him.

But God knows it was never that easy for Rey.

So when he finally— fucking _finally_ , but Christ, hadn’t she been waiting for this to happen? She had. Ever since she was fucking ten years old— leaned forward and pressed his lips against hers, it was as if she turned into putty. Rey allowed herself to step down from her tip toes, pulling him along with her and she had no idea when or how her arms had snaked around Ben’s neck.

It wasn’t like anything she read. There wasn’t sparks, there wasn’t any sudden feeling in her chest where she knew he was her soulmate or some shit, there wasn’t any spontaneous orchestra playing in the background. It wasn’t anything like a movie or a book or _fiction_.

It was just them.

The only sounds being the faint music playing throughout the grocery store and the crinkle of the potato chip bag.

And it was, somehow, perfect.

Of course, until they broke apart and a look of utter bliss surfaced on Ben’s face.

Rey’s, however, was a look of horror.

“What? Am I bad a kisser?” Ben teased yet his heart throbbed, concern instantly replacing the joy he felt. He hadn’t felt that in a while. It was strange. But then it wasn’t all too strange because it was _Rey_.

She didn’t answer. Instead she looked as if she were about to break and the only words that seemed to make its way out of her had Ben’s heart drop.

“ _Christian_ ,” Rey muttered to herself softly with a tone of guilt. A tone of horror. A tone of _disgust_. Not with Ben, rather, herself.

And she turned away to walk off.


End file.
